


Heart Shaped Sunglasses.

by heyitsnxel



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Beaches, Café, M/M, Past Abuse, Pining, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-06-14 19:48:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 39,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15396102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyitsnxel/pseuds/heyitsnxel
Summary: Phil felt stuck. He'd spent his whole life living on the beach, working at his family's cafe, watching the same groups of people come and go as the summers passed. Enter Dan Howell, an enigma in heart shaped sunglasses who catches Phil's interest the moment he walks through the door.This is the story of the summer that follows. Will the two develop a summer romance or will something from the past that prevent that from happening?





	1. Chapter 1

“Phil, come on! If we open the café late your parents are going to kill us!”

 

“I’m trying, Lou. Hold on.”

 

Fumbling with the keyring between his fingers, Phil all but groaned. He hated opening the café more than anything. Getting up early sucked, dealing with the grumpy people that came in for coffee sucked, and remembering to bring the key? Yeah, that sucked too. Especially when he definitely left it at home on his dresser.

The East Beach Café – EBC, for short (obviously) – had been open for almost 50 years now. The Lester family’s pride and joy. Phil’s parents had probably bragged more over the café than they had him his whole life. The white exterior had been traded for a baby blue, the sign dangling above the door replaced when Phil’s parents took over.

 

_(‘It needs to look more modern, dear.’)_

 

Everything else had stayed the same – sans the employees and a few added items on the menu. The EBC was a staple at the beach. Sitting right next to the boardwalk, it had become a tourist attraction long ago. Phil didn’t get the appeal. Maybe it was because he’d lived at the beach his whole life and worked in the café for a solid portion of it. But, to him, it was just the same old café you could find anywhere. A café that he was intended to own and run one day.

 

Louise snapped him out of his stupor by grabbing his arm, her green eyes wide with panic.

“I can’t get fired. Please tell me you have the key.”

 

“Uh, I may have possibly left it at home…”

 

_“Phil!”_

 

“I’ll just run home and get it. Just… don’t panic.”

 

Before Louise had a chance to respond, Phil was running down sand towards his house. It was in these moments that he truly counted his blessings of only living a few minutes down the beach from the café. The sun was already half risen and he knew there would be a line of people soon if he didn’t hurry up. Plus, Louise was definitely already panicking at this point.

 

Bursting through the front door, Phil grabbed the key and started the run back.

 

Today was going to be a long day.

 

* * *

 

Phil was right in assuming today was going to be a long one. His parents usually came in around lunch to deal with the rush of beach goers that flooded in the restaurant doors. But today they had been late, leaving Phil and Louise to deal with a throng of teenagers that insisted on taking up half the room themselves. Honestly, he could have rolled his eyes at them all. They were clearly on summer break. Still dressed in their swimsuits, covered only by large t-shirts and loose dresses that clung to their damp skin when they moved. The girls were practically hanging across the boy’s laps stealing bites of their food and teasing them when they complained. It seemed like a scene straight out of a bad sitcom.

 

They were all so… normal.

 

Phil found himself propping his chin in his hand behind the counter while he watched them. They really were just like everyone else that came through the doors of the EBC every summer. But, hey, they were happy, so who was he to judge?

 

“Wake up, P. I can’t handle all this by myself.”

 

Louise brushed past him, shoving a menu in his hand and directing him towards a table in the back corner. Despite being her boss, technically, Louise did a lot better job of running the place than he did. It was almost annoying that she would be leaving after the summer ended and Phil would still be stuck here.

 

The thought put a scowl on Phil’s face that he quickly shook away as he neared the table. He wasn’t going to let a bad mood affect his tips.

 

“Hello, welcome to the East Beach Café. My name’s Phil. Can I get you something to drink?”

 

The boy at the table glanced up and Phil almost did a double take. He was _cute._ His curls were damp and sticking to his forehead, a pair of red heart shaped sunglasses nestled between the locks. Despite the heat, he was wearing all black – from his swim trunks to his tank top to his sandals. Even the backpack that sat on the opposite side of the table was black, though it was covered in patches and pins that Phil didn’t have time to examine.

 

“Um, surprise me. Something in the milkshake category.”

 

The boy smiled faintly up at Phil before dropping his gaze back to the menu in his hands. Phil stood there awkwardly before hurrying to the back, debating on what kind of milkshake to make this person. In all his years of working here, Phil had never had anyone tell him to ‘surprise’ them. It was almost weird for him to be making this drink with no knowledge of what the other wanted, but he scooped the chocolate ice cream in the blender and tossed in a handful of crushed up Oreo’s. A classic.

 

When he returned to the table, the boy was doodling on his napkin. He grinned when he saw the milkshake and immediately dropped the pen.

 

“I don’t know what that is but I definitely don’t regret telling you to surprise me.”

 

“Uh, thanks?”

 

Phil cursed himself for being so awkward right now. Pulling the notepad out of his pocket, he prayed that this guy wouldn’t tell him to surprise him again. A drink was one thing, but a whole meal was another.

 

Some higher power was listening to Phil’s pleas and soon enough, he was trotting back to the kitchen with an order for a cheeseburger and some fries. Aside from the random guy in the corner and the group of teens still lingering around, the café had calmed down quite a bit. Everyone was back on the beach and the boardwalk, getting splashed around by the waves or trying to avoid sunburn. Phil found himself staring out the window, watching them.

 

“Interesting, huh?” Corner guy was sitting at the counter now, milkshake in his hand and eyes following Phil’s out the window.

 

 

“What?”

 

 

“The whole ‘beach dynamic.’ It’s the same on every beach if you look at the big picture.” The boy waved his arms towards the window, not even bothering to look again. “It reminds me of those ‘Where’s Waldo?’ books.”

 

Phil’s face must’ve conveyed every ounce of confusion that he felt because the boy was laughing, pushing his curls off his forehead with a grin.

 

“You know? Those books that have all the crazy drawings and you have to find that one guy in the middle of it all? It looks like a total chaotic mess but if you look closely, it’s super interesting?”

 

Phil blinked and the boy blinked back, tipping his head towards the window with a smile.

 

“Okay, look,” He started, “What do you see when you look outside?”

 

Despite having looked out the window all day, Phil still turned his head to look again.

“Uh, just a lot of people having a good day on the beach?”

 

“Right,” The boy said taking a long sip of his milkshake, “But, if you look closer, it’s so much more than that! Like, that couple near the bench? They’re arguing right now.”  He took a moment to point Phil’s head in the right direction, “And that little girl is definitely about to smash her ice cream into that man’s back if she doesn’t start looking where she’s going.”

 

As if on cue, Phil watched the man jolt from the sudden coldness on his back. The little girl fled rather quickly, hiding behind her mother’s legs. The boy chuckled under his breath, twirling his straw around the half empty glass of ice cream.

 

“The big picture’s great, but the little things that make up the big picture are even better.”

 

Phil opened his mouth to say something, anything. But the bell behind him was ringing and a plate was sitting there for Phil to take. He slid it in front of the boy quietly, trying to be discreet when he stared at him.

 

“What?” He said, meeting Phil’s eyes and cocking an eyebrow. He held a French fry close to his lips, paused in mid-air as he waited for Phil to say something.

 

“I don’t know. You’re just kind of strange.”

 

“Most people just call me Dan.” He shrugged, smirking slightly at Phil’s comment. Internally, Phil felt like he could combust. He wasn’t usually so blunt but this Dan _was_ strange and sometimes his mouth worked before his brain did. “Besides, being weird isn’t a bad thing I’ll have you know.”

 

 _‘I never said it was.’_ is what Phil wanted to say, but Louise called him away and he left the boy with an apologetic smile. Soon after, a family came in and after they came in? Another group of people did and Phil found himself busy. When he glanced back at the bar, he saw Dan was gone and a wad of folded up bills sat underneath his plate. Frowning, he went and picked it up. Scrawled across the same napkin Dan had doodled on, he had written **_“Keep the change : ) - Dan”_**

 

* * *

 

 

Phil’s mind didn’t leave Dan for the rest of the day. After his departure, the café stayed relatively busy until the next set of workers came in to deal with the nighttime crowd. Phil was grateful they were there on time. He definitely didn’t want to stay any longer and judging by the way Louise kept rubbing her eyes, she was tired of being there as well.

 

 

“Today sucked.” She stated bluntly as they walked out the door. Phil couldn’t help but laugh.

 

 

“Yeah, it really did. Wanna walk tonight?”

 

It was a weird tradition they had started on Louise’s second week of working there. She and Phil always shared the same shifts – his parents claimed they worked well together – and one evening, she had locked her keys in her family’s beach house. Someone was going to be back in an hour to let her in, but until then, she decided to walk the beach. Phil had opted to join her and the tradition still stood. Walks after work were always more relaxing than tiring.

 

 

“A short one. My feet are killing me.”

 

 

Phil sighed softly as his feet hit the sand. It was cool from the night air and the lack of people still on the beach was a pleasant sight. Louise was talking about school and, honestly, Phil wasn’t listening. His mind had drifted off to other things. It was a constant thought in the back of his mind that he would have to take over the café one day. It’s where his mind always seemed to go whenever he was tired. To the fact he’d be stuck running a café he didn’t like and not getting to do any of the things he ever wanted to. He’d never even left the beach. Phil must’ve sighed loudly because the sound of Louise was replaced with the sound of waves crashing over his feet. She was staring at him with a knowing frown on her face.

 

 

“You’re over thinking again.”

 

 

“I know.”

 

 

She frowned again, shaking her head, before pulling Phil into a short hug.

“It’ll be okay.”

 

 

They didn’t talk much after that. They just walked, watching their footprints get washed away by the waves and grabbing seashells off the shore. Eventually Louise went home and left Phil to stand in the wet sand alone. He knew it was late and that he should go home. He had to open the café again tomorrow and getting up early was already enough of an issue without a lack of sleep. But, something other than his feet sinking into the sand was rooting him to the spot. Phil just wanted to _exist_ for a minute without having to worry about anything. He wanted to feel the ocean without thinking about the fact he was going to see it everyday for the rest of his life. He wanted the café to feel pleasant again, like it had when he was younger.

 

He just wanted to be free. He wanted something different.

 

It felt like such a silly thought for an adult to be having. He was free, technically. But, then again he wasn’t. It was such a mental debate that Phil found himself groaning, tugging his feet out of the sand and marching down the beach to go home.

 

He was so lost in his own head, he didn’t even notice Dan leaning against one of the supports underneath the boardwalk, watching every step Phil took down the beach.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for now, my update schedule is going to be Sundays & Wednesdays. :)

The next few days were so monotonous that Phil could have ripped his hair out in annoyance. Everyday he’d wake up, open the café, deal with an annoying group of people (that he suspected were the same people everyday, but he never payed enough attention to know), got off work, walked with Louise, and then went home. Plus a few mental crisis’s along the way.

 

Repeat.

_Repeat._

**_Repeat._ **

 

No matter how hard he tried, Phil couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment the day to day life of beach dwelling and working at the café started to wear on him. There was no big, horrible moment that triggered it. In fact, everything had generally been rather pleasant. Louise had told him it was pent up emotions, feelings he’d suppressed over the years. He’d always disagreed, but now? He was starting to think she was right.

 

Today was the first day he didn’t have to step foot into the EBC in a while and Phil was definitely not going to waste it. His internal alarm clock had already woken him up well before the sunrise, and after tossing and turning in his sheets for far too long, Phil realized he wasn’t going to get the luxury of sleeping in today. Eventually he managed to tear himself away from the comfort of his blankets and aimlessly browsing Tumblr, shuffling to the kitchen in search of caffeine and hopefully the box of donuts he’d seen on the counter last night.

 

* * *

 

 

Cup of coffee finally in one hand and donut in the other, Phil made his way out onto the deck that overlooked the beach. The air was thick, heavy with saltwater and the smell of the ocean. The feeling was something a lot of people relished in. They found it relaxing. Phil was sure he used to feel the same, but at the moment, it was only uncomfortably familiar to him.

 

The sun was just starting to rise, the pinks and oranges dripping down like wet paint and blurring into the horizon. His gaze fell to the shoreline, watching the waves come and go. The early risers were starting to flock to the beach, smaller crowds compared to how it would be later in the day.

 

Subconsciously, he found that he was focusing in on the people below him. He watched as a family struggled to corral their kids and set up their beach chairs. There were two girls walking down the shoreline, hand in hand, until the taller one shoved the other into the water. A woman was jogging, who looked absolutely miserable, causing Phil to flinch at the mere thought of physical activity.

 

Almost unsurprisingly, his mind wandered back to Dan. He wondered if he was looking at all this, too. From how he’d spoken at the café, Dan wasn’t one to miss details. He seemed to view the world in a way that Phil couldn’t seem to grasp.

 

The mug in Phil’s hands had gone cold by the time he placed it on the table and headed down his steps. If nothing else, he was going to head into town today just for the sake of getting out of the house. Jumping over the last two steps, his feet hit the sand with a quiet thud and he was on his way down the beach and towards the sidewalk. He was so focused on getting away from his house that he didn’t even notice the mass on the ground until he was stepping on it, tripping, and faceplanting into the sand.

 

He sputtered, spitting the sand out of his mouth, and scrambled to his feet. Looking down, his eyes met Dan’s. He was lying on the ground, camera dangling around his neck, and curls coated in sand. Phil’s face scrunched up in confusion.

 

“What... What the heck are you doing?”

 

 

“Taking pictures.”

 

 

“On the ground?”

 

 

“Uh, yeah. Better angles down here, mate.”

Dan laughed like it was the most obvious thing in the world, before sitting up. Phil watched as he gave his camera a once over, eventually deciding it was okay, and smiling at Phil.

“Headed to work?”

 

 

Phil shook his head, “No. I’m actually off today.”

 

 

“Oh, lucky you.” Dan grinned, “Got any plans?”

 

It was strange to Phil how easily this conversation was flowing. It may be simple small talk, but Phil was an awkward guy. Dan seemed to be perfectly fine carrying on a conversation with him like this though. It was like he was talking to someone he knew. Somewhere in between a friend and an acquaintance; Phil wasn’t good with labels.

 

 

Phil shrugged, “Nope. I never have any plans, honestly.”

 

 

Dan’s eyes seemed to light up, a grin quickly on his face.

“Wanna see something cool?”

 

* * *

 

 

Phil expected ‘ _something cool’_ to be a weird seashell or some random part of the beach that was messed up or something. What he didn’t expect, however, was for Dan to lead him out to a sandbar off the coast of the shore. It wasn’t too far out, close enough they’d managed to swim it, but far enough that the beachfront looked small.

 

Yet again, Phil wasn’t sure why he was following Dan so willingly. For all he knew, he could be planning to brutally murder him on this sandbar. He could shove his body right into the ocean and leave without a trace. But, from the moment Dan had slid his camera inside his backpack, shoving it behind a bush, and pulled those same heart shaped sunglasses over his eyes, Phil found he didn’t want to say no.

 

This was different. Dan was _different._

This was exactly the kind of thing he wanted, no _needed_ , in his life right now. A break from the routine.

And, if he could find that in Dan? Well, he’d take it.

 

Dan was sitting crosslegged on the side of the sandbar by the time Phil managed to catch up to him. He patted the sand next to him for Phil to come sit. Phil couldn’t help but linger, eyes drawn to how perfect Dan looked under the sun. It seemed so natural for him to be out here. Sunbeams were reflecting over the water dripping down his skin from the swim over, making it look like his skin was sparkling. There was a fleeting thought of Twilight in Phil’s mind and he had to stop himself from laughing.

 

Taking a seat, Phil’s knee tipped and was resting against Dan’s. Neither made any attempt to move away. They stayed that way, a comfortable silence enveloping them. For the first time in a long time, Phil genuinely felt relaxed. The beach, at this moment, wasn’t stressing him.

 

“Look,” Dan broke the silence, pointing his finger down towards the water near their feet. Tipping his head forward, Phil scrunched his eyes in confusion. There was nothing other than the occasional movement of the waves and the sand shifting beneath it.

 

 

“What am I looking for exactly…?”

 

 

“Patience.” Dan chuckled, “You’ll see.”

 

So, he waited. Phil stared down into water, watching the ripples spread across the top and wash onto the sand. He could feel Dan watching him through his sunglasses, expectantly waiting for Phil to see whatever it is he was supposed to be seeing. And then, as if on cue, the current shifted and moved the sand around violently. The sun hit the water and suddenly it was reflecting onto an array of colors mixed in the sand. Phil could feel his eyes going wide, stammering out a very confused ‘what?’

 

“Sea glass.” Dan pushed his hair back with his sunglasses, dipping his hand in the water and pulling out a particularly blue piece. He held it up to the light, glancing between the glass in hand and Phil a few times, before he shoved it into his pocket. “It’s really unusual for there to be so much in one place like this.”

 

“I don’t think I’ve ever even seen sea glass that wasn’t in a gift shop.”

 

 

“But, you live at the beach.”

Dan looked positively bewildered at this, rambling off a series of questions so fast Phil barely managed to catch them all. They all pretty much boiled down to the same thing. How and why Phil hadn’t seen something like that when it had been right in front of him for years. The concept seemed so unreasonable to Dan.

 

 

“I guess I never really looked.” was the only answer Phil could give, a small shrug following.

 

The look on Dan’s face was unreadable. His eyes were boring into Phil’s and he felt himself flushing, forced to look away from the intensity of his stare. Finally, Dan followed suit and looked away as well, tipping his head up and letting the sun wash over his skin. (Unsurprisingly, Phil found his gaze drawn back to Dan again. How did he not notice the spattering of freckles across his skin until now?)

 

“You should start looking more.”

 

 

(For some reason, Phil felt like he wasn’t just talking about the sea glass.)

 

Dan stood up, stretching his arms above his head and cracking his back with such a pop that it made Phil cringe. Laughing at Phil’s reaction, he started sloshing back into the water, clearly having no doubt Phil would follow – which he did. By the time they reached the shore, their skin was sticky with salt water and sand, muscles sore from the swim.

 

By the time Phil made it back, Dan had already collapsed back into the wet sand, letting the waves break and rush underneath him. His eyes were closed, sunglasses perched lazily on the middle of his nose. He looked like the poster child for ‘relaxation’.

 

Just like it had on the sandbar, a comfortable silence took over between them. The waves breaking and the distant sound of people talking filtered over to where they sat, but to Phil, they may as well have been in a different world. Dan seemed to just make everything else irrelevant.

 

It was probably creepy to be as interested in Dan as much as he was despite only having just met. But, he couldn’t help it. The last boyfriend he’d had was almost two years ago. Much like Dan, he’d met him in the café. Though it wasn’t exactly the summer romance he’d dreamed of, Phil couldn’t help but hope maybe something better would play out with Dan. He hadn’t felt this comfortable so quickly around anyone – aside from Louise – in a long time.

 

Phil watched as Dan’s eyes fluttered open, eyelashes practically casting little shadows against his skin. He pressed his cheek into the sand, turning his head so he was facing Phil.

 

“Do you like it here?”

 

Phil blinked, opening his mouth to answer but abruptly snapping his jaw shut. That was the last thing he was expecting to hear. It was a simple question, but he found himself struggling for an answer. Usually, he would lie and say ‘yes, he loved it here and it was home.’ But, his head started shaking on its’ own accord and the words ‘not really’ left his lips before he even thought twice.

 

Dan nodded, “I can tell.”

 

“I used to.” He quickly added, a surge of protectiveness washing over him for the beach they were sitting on. It was important that Dan know he did like it here at one point. He _had_ to know that.

 

 

“What changed?”

 

 

Pushing himself onto his elbow, Dan moved to sit up next to him. He bumped his shoulder gently into Phil’s, drops of water falling off his skin and rolling down Phil’s arm. He watched the drops run down until they hit the sand.

 

 

“I don’t know.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

They’d stayed on the beach until around lunch time before Dan left. He didn’t say where he was going, but he did promise to stop by the café the next day when Phil was working.

 

Dan hadn’t pried into Phil’s reasoning for not liking the beach. It was almost like he already knew, which was absurd to even consider. Instead he had switched the topic – to the boardwalk of all things. Dan, apparently, wasn’t a fan. Phil found himself quite content to listen to Dan ramble, even about things as trivial as the boardwalk. When he had suddenly gotten up, giving Phil a sad smile, Phil had found himself disappointed as well.

 

(Needless to say, the rest of Phil's day was dull in comparison to the morning he spent with Dan.) 


	3. Chapter 3

As promised, Dan had shown up bright and early to the cafe. He’d even beaten Phil and Louise there. Louise shot a quizzical glance at Phil as her eyes fell to Dan, who was sprawled across the bench next to the door. His ankles were crossed over one another, propped on the arm rest. He quickly sat up when he saw them nearing the door.

 

 

“We open at – “ Louise started, but Dan quickly cut her off – grinning in Phil’s direction.

 

 

“I know. I’ll wait.”

 

 

Phil couldn’t help the smile that was spreading across his face. He shrugged apologetically to Dan as he and Louise made their way inside.

 

 

“Who is that?”

 

 

“Who is who?”

 

 

“Philip Lester, you know exactly who I’m talking about! You clearly know him, so spill.”

 

 

Phil sighed, “He came in here the other day and then I saw him on the beach. His name’s Dan.”

 

 

“That’s all you’re going to give me? He was here at 5 o’clock in the morning for Christ’s sake, staring at you like you were the best thing on the beach!”

 

 

Phil felt himself blushing and he quickly looked down to fidget with the napkins he was supposed to be folding. Louise was just being dramatic, as usual. He definitely wasn’t look at Phil in any sort of way. Thankfully, the clock hit 5:30 and they had to open the doors - saving Phil from any more questions on Louise’s part.

 

* * *

 

 

Much to Phil’s surprise, Dan stayed in the café for most of the day. He settled himself on a stool at the counter, closest to the window. Occasionally he ordered something – from either Phil or Louise – claiming he didn’t want to be taking a seat away from a paying customer.

 

(Louise said he just wanted to see Phil.)

(Phil would have let him sit there all day for free.)

 

In between his order of fries and milkshakes, Dan fidgeted with a small camera in his hands. It was different than the one he had on the beach. This one had a neck strap – black leather and definitely old. There was a small pin attached to the strap that Phil found himself staring at.

 

“It’s a flower.” Dan turned the strap in Phil’s direction, showing the tiny gold rose attached to the leather. “Got it in India.”

 

Phil barely had time to question why Dan was in India before a group of customers came in and he was whisked away. By the time he managed to make his way back to the counter, Dan had already tucked the camera back into his bag, barely giving Phil time to catch a breath before he started pegging him with questions about the town.

 

It was no secret that Phil wasn’t the happiest here. If Dan was looking for a positive opinion, he’d come to the wrong place. Then again, Dan was smart. Maybe he knew Phil wouldn’t sugarcoat anything.

 

Between customers, he filled Dan in on the best places to get cheap food (East Beach Café obviously made the top of that list – they both knew it was for personal reasons) and best places to stay. Dan listened to him aimlessly ramble about the boardwalk traditions and the weekend bonfires that happened on the beach, his head propped against his hand and eyes following Phil as he moved around behind the counter. His interest seemed remotely more piqued when Phil began to tell him of local ghost stories and the history of the abandoned island that say far off the shore of the beach they were currently on. His eyes seemed to grow impossibly wider, reminding Phil of an excited puppy. It was cute.

 

Eventually Dan did leave. Just like last time, he slipped away when Phil was busy – leaving his money folded underneath the plate with a note to keep the change and the blue piece of seaglass he’d pulled out of the water the day before.

 

There were a lot of things Phil didn’t know about Dan. He didn’t know how old he was or where he was from. He didn’t even know how long he was going to be there. Everything Dan had told him so far seemed very… surface level. He’d dodged any question Phil had about his family with such ease that it was almost like he practiced avoiding them in the mirror. But, ask Dan about his opinion on music? He’d go on forever.

 

That was actually how he found out that Dan liked music in the first place – all of it, pretty much. Dan had talked about it with such passion that Phil could have mistaken him for a musician himself. Maybe he was.

 

Dan’s love for music wasn’t the only thing Phil had learned the day before on the beach. He’d been surprised to find out that Dan actually wasn’t the biggest fan of being outside – or exercise, in general.

 

The heartshaped sunglasses had been a gift – from who, Dan never said. When he told Phil that, his eyes had drifted somewhere far away and so had his mind. Phil let him have the moment in his head without interruption.

 

He liked makeup and nail polish, surprising Phil when he told him that he even owned a skirt. The shock on Phil’s face must have been obvious, because Dan had laughed and bumped their shoulders together.  


 

_‘Skirts aren’t just for girls, Phil.’_

_‘I know, I – “_

_‘It’s okay. Everyone always reacts like that, t b h.’_

 

He liked Oreo milkshakes, preferably with chocolate ice cream and only if Phil made them. (He had rold him that as he was twirling his straw through his drink, one Louise had made him. Phil didn’t even try to hide the pleased smile that came across his face.)

 

Dan looked at the world in a way that Phil couldn’t understand. He saw things for what they were, yet somehow, managed to make them beautiful. Even if they weren’t. He didn’t give a fuck what anyone else thought about him. The way he viewed everything and carried himself just fascinated Phil. Despite this being one of their few interactions, Phil couldn’t help it that he wanted to pick Dan’s mind apart – metaphorically. He wanted to know everything about this curly haired stranger that stumbled into his life.

 

A fleeting thought crossed Phil’s mind that he, perhaps, was so interested in Dan because of how different he seemed to the normal people that visited the beach. He wasn’t there with a family. He wasn’t part of some group of teenagers there to get wasted on the weekends. He didn’t seem to give any care in the world to what the world deemed normal – Phil had known that from the moment he’d seen the red heart shaped glasses on his head; It was only confirmed even more so when he noticed the silver coat of nail polish across his fingers when he stepped into the café that morning. Phil had nearly dropped the pot of coffee he was holding.

 

Dan had long since left the EBC, leaving Phil to deal with a table of elderly women who looked at the café with disdain everytime they thought he wasn’t looking. It didn’t matter much to him what they thought. He still put on a smile and hoped they’d leave a decent tip.

 

(They did.)

 

* * *

 

 

As usual, Phil and Louise left at the same time. They didn’t hesitate to walk down towards the beach, kicking their shoes of as they neared the sand. It was hot. The sun was beating down into his skin and Phil knew he wasn’t prepared for the sunburn he was going to get, but at the moment, he didn’t care.

 

“So, Dan, hm?”

 

 

Phil nodded, “Yup.”

 

 

“That’s it? He stayed at the counter almost all day and you’re telling me there’s no, like, crazy backstory?”

 

 

Phil was surprised by the laugh that left his lips, shaking his head so frantically he could feel his hair falling across his forehead.

“No crazy backstory.”

 

Louise’s eyebrow rose and Phil knew where this was going. She wasn’t one to let things drop, especially concerning Phil’s love life (or lack there of). Phil ignored her prodding the best he could as they made their way down the beach, but it was fruitless. Eventually he caved, and gave Louise a recap of every encounter he’d had with Dan. They were nothing special, he knew. In reality, they were just conversations that he was making far too big of a deal of in his head. But, Louise listened the whole time. She watched as Phil gesticulated around, his cheeks tinting pink (he blamed it on the sun, but she knew). Once he was done and the waves had broken around their ankles, Phil was surprised to hear her laugh.

 

“You’ve got such a crush on him.”

 

 

“What? No, I – “ Phil paused. Why was he denying it? Admitting it to Louise wasn’t going to hurt anything. It wasn’t like he was professing his undying love for the boy.

 

An embarrassed smile crossed Phil’s face as he glanced down at the sand, “Yeah, I guess I kinda do.”

 

* * *

 

 

Dan’s backpack was propped against a sign near the sidewalk as Phil walked up. He stopped and stared down at the black bag, eyebrows furrowing slightly. Phil found himself turning back to look at the water. He didn’t even realize he was looking around for Dan until he spotted him waist deep in the waves straight underneath the boardwalk.

 

He was still wearing that same black tank top and swimtrunks, staring off into the horizon. One hand was on his hip, the other dangling slightly at his side. Phil watched him. He wondered what he was doing, what he was thinking. He was just standing there.

 

 

And then he wasn’t.

 

 

In the blink of an eye, Dan had dipped under the water. The waves continued to wash to the shore, yet Phil saw no other sign of Dan.

 

Was he drowning? Oh god, Phil wasn’t a lifeguard.

 

He could feel his heart rate quicken as he bolted down the beach, stopping short at the edge of the water. Even he knew this was stupid. He may live on a beach but he definitely didn’t swim enough to qualify him for saving someone’s life.

 

But, at the moment, Phil found it didn’t matter. It felt like he was out of his own body. He could feel himself sloshing into the water, an overwhelming sense of anxious protectiveness overtaking him for a boy he’d only met a few times, but he wasn’t registering anything else. The force of the waves seemed irrelevant, the fact he was still his clothes didn’t even matter.

 

The only thing on his mind was Dan and the fact that, maybe, he was drowning on the very beach Phil grew up on.

 

Phil was standing where Dan had been now, frantically turning in all directions in hopes of a glimpse of him anywhere. Something light bumped into the small of his back and he turned around, prepared to grab at whatever it was in hopes that it was Dan. Instead, he found Dan’s sunglasses floating next to him. Snatching them out of the water, Phil clutched them close to his chest. He could feel the sense of dread washing over him. However, before he could even fully accept that he might have just witnessed someone’s death, Dan was in front of him again.

 

His head broke the water a few feet away from Phil, flicking his hair out of his eyes and off his forehead in a fluid motion that reminded Phil of something straight out of a movie scene. His tank top was wet and clinging to his skin, salt water dripping down his body and pooling in the dips of his collarbones.

 

But what shocked Phil the most was the smile on his face. It was small, not a grin and not even a full display of happiness. Dan was just blissfully calm.

 

Though the calm smile morphed into a grin when he caught sight of Phil in the water.

 

 

“Hey!” He shouted, making his way to where Phil stood. “You look like you’ve just seen a ghost. What’s up?”

 

 

The heat covering Phil’s face was almost unbearable – hopefully he could blame it on the sun – as Dan stared at him quizzically. He could save himself the embarrassment and lie, but Phil knew Dan would see right through that. Especially considering he was wearing clothes in the middle of the ocean.

 

“I – Well, okay. Don’t laugh,” He started, watching as Dan’s eyebrow rose, “But, I thought you were drowning.”

 

Despite telling Dan not to laugh, that’s exactly what he did. Phil watched as he erupted into a fit of laughter, dimples forming in his cheeks.

 

“You were gonna save me?” He finally breathed out, wiping away a few tears that mixed with the saltwater on his cheeks.

 

“Well, probably not. But I was going to try! And I told you not to laugh!”

 

 

The look on Dan’s face conveyed only one emotion and that was fond. His eyes were trained on Phil as he shook his head.

 “You’re really something else.”

 

 

Phil wasn’t quite sure what to say to that. Thankfully, Dan had already turned around and was looking around the water near them. His fingertips trailed lightly over the surface, creating little ripples that the waves quickly washed away. He seemed intently focused on the water surrounding them and Phil almost felt bad to interrupt.

 

“What’re you doing?” He asked.

 

 

Dan turned, pointing to the top of his head. “Sunglasses.”

 

 

“Oh!” Phil tugged the heart shaped lenses out of his pocket and held them out to Dan, “I didn’t save you, but I did manage to save these. I’ll take that as a win.”

 

 

There was no hesitation when Dan grabbed the frames and slipped them on top of his head. He beamed, thanking Phil softly before turning back towards the horizon. Phil moved to stand beside him, following his gaze towards the sea. When he turned back, he found Dan was staring directly at him. His eyes were burning holes into the skin on Phil’s cheeks that were beginning to flush red with embarrassment. Letting out a cough, he forced himself to look away.

 

Which turned out to be a huge mistake, because suddenly the entire side of his body was being pelted with water. He turned, a look akin to pure shock written all over his face, only to be met with Dan’s smirk. Before he could move, Dan didn’t hesitate to douse him in salt water again, letting out the most beautiful laugh that had ever graced Phil’s ears.

 

It was almost childlike how quickly they fell into this splash fight. All boundaries of personal space went out the window. And for the first time in forever, Phil found that he hadn’t been thinking about anything – except for Dan. There was no hesitation when his fingers looped around Dan’s bicep, tugging him forward only to drag him down into the surf. Dan didn’t seem to care that his fingers lingered after brushing Phil’s wet fringe off his forehead. The fact there were barely centimeters between them by the end of it all had them both unphased.

 

Dan had practically drug Phil out of the water. His hand was gently wrapped around Phil’s wrist, the touch sending goosebumps across his skin. He almost found himself whining when Dan let go.

 

“Here,” Dan dug through his bag that he’d left propped under the pier. He shoved a black t-shirt and pair of grey swim trunks into Phil’s hands. “You look miserable and I feel bad since it’s kind of my fault in the first place.”

 

It was strange that Dan was already able to read him so well. Phil had always considered himself to be pretty good at hiding his emotions. He was no open book like his mother, but he was definitely not as closed off as his father. He was a happy medium. Yet, somehow, Dan seemed to be able to see through all of him immediately.

 

“Thanks.” Shrugging off his wet shirt, he could feel Dan’s stare again. He could feel it running down the length of his chest and back up until the black shirt was covering his skin once more. He expected Dan to look away, to avoid being caught in the act – but when he glanced back towards him, Dan had simply blinked, not looking away. Phil felt his hand catch at the button of his pants, hesitating a bit as he and Dan still hadn’t broken eye contact. The moment was weirdly intimate and Phil wasn’t sure if the energy coursing through his body was nerves or want. Or a mixture of the two.

 

After mentally debating with himself for far too long, Phil shucked his pants off to the side and slipped the swim trunks on. A part of him was disappointed when he realized Dan wasn’t looking anymore.

 

“Better?”

 

Phil nodded, “Yeah, going into the ocean in my work clothes wasn’t my brightest idea, I guess.”

 

Dan giggled – actually giggled! – rolling his eyes at Phil. His sunglasses were back on top of his head, hands digging around through his bag once more. He finally pulled out a camera, the same one from the café, and flicked off the lens cap. The light hit the pin on the strap and Phil found himself speaking before thinking.

 

“Why were you in India?”

 

Dan paused, his fingers freezing on the side of the camera. He dug his toes into the sand and Phil could tell he was debating on what to say.

 

 

“Traveling. I do that, a lot… Travel, I mean.”

 

 

“I wish I did. I’ve never even left this stupid town.” Phil huffed.

 

 

Dan turned the camera towards him, clicking the shutter button before Phil could protest.

“Why not leave then?”

 

 

_Click._ The camera went off again, this time towards the water.

 

“I dunno. I feel stuck here.”

_Click._

 

“Trust me, I know how that feels.”

 

_Click._ Dan’s voice had fallen melancholic, softer than his usual tone. He turned the camera over in his hands, letting it fall and hit his chest with a  quiet thud. The leather strap hung around his neck, digging into the skin and leaving indentations.

 

 

“Yeah?” Phil asked, sliding a bit closer to where Dan sat.

 

Dan twirled the pin on the strap in between his fingers, uttering a soft ‘yeah’ before he let his head tip onto Phil’s shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://hey-itskxt.tumblr.com/post/176410498298/fic-heart-shaped-sunglasses


	4. Chapter 4

“Where’s your girlfriend?”

 

Phil blanched so quickly he jostled Dan straight off his shoulder. When he met Dan’s bewildered gaze, he couldn’t help but mirror it almost exactly.

 

“My girlfriend?”

 

Dan nodded, “The blonde girl you walk with after your shifts.” He blushed. “I’m not stalking you. I just am on the beach, like, all the time.”

 

There was a beat of silence before Phil started laughing. Dan looked more confused than he’d ever seen him – which only made the whole situation all the more hilarious to Phil.

 

“Not my girlfriend. Definitely not. She’d probably kill you if she heard you say that.”

 

Phil hoped he wasn't imagining it, but to him, Dan looked relieved to hear that.

 

* * *

 

 

Phil wasn’t sure how or why or what even changed between him and Dan after that day, but something surely did. After Dan’s question about Louise, they had stayed on the beach for as long as possible. Dan moved his head back to rest against Phil’s shoulder, his curls brushing against the base of his neck and sending a chill down his spine. He had drifted to the subject of his trip to India, never saying why or how he was there, just that he was and that it was beautiful. There was a certain resignation in Dan’s voice when he spoke about it at first. Every word out of his mouth seemed forced. It was obvious he didn’t really want to talk about it. Or at least, he didn’t want to talk about some part of it.

 

It was a stark contrast to the carefree Dan that had been in his life for the past week.

 

It made him feel more human somehow.

 

After a while, Dan’s initial hesitation seemed to fade and he was unable to hide the way his voice raised with excitement.  He told Phil about all the wonderful experiences he’d while traveling – the food, the sights, the sheer experience of it all. He talked about it with so much intensity that Phil found himself captivated by every word he spoke. It was hard not to pay attention to Dan in the first place, but watching his eyes light up the longer he spoke about something he loved was truly an experience.

 

But alongside the intrigue, there was a pang of jealousy in Phil’s chest. Dan was living the kind of life that Phil imagined. Maybe a bit more all over the place and unstable, but he was out seeing the world. Dan was living his life, not just existing.

 

Phil let his eyes focus back onto Dan, he was waving his hand animatedly, talking about something that Phil had missed the first part of. Phil still didn’t know much about Dan. The more time he spent with him, the more little facts he was learning along the way, but they all seemed to be things anyone could know.

 

 

Phil wanted more.

 

 

And, maybe, Dan would be willing to give him more.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Phil!”  Dan bounded into the café, nearly trampling a teenage couple in the process. He barely glanced back to apologize before he was hopping onto one of the barstools that lined the counter.  “Guess what.”

 

 

“You’re wearing something other than black for once.”

 

 

Phil’s eyes had immediately fallen to the red and black tanktop Dan was wearing. It hung looser than his other shirts, shifting off his shoulders every time he moved. The red splatters across the front reminded Phil of paint and while he may not get ‘fashion,’ Dan seemed enamored by it from how he spoke (despite his lackluster outfit choices). It was safe to assume that this shirt was probably in style… or at least it was in style to Dan.

 

Dan rolled his eyes, “Yes, Phil. I’m wearing color, that’s not important.”

 

“It’s pretty important to me. You’re shaking up the daily routine. I’m used to your black aura darkening the room, but today – “

 

Leaning across the counter, Dan clamped his hand over Phil’s mouth. His bottom lip poked out into a pout that was unfairly adorable, rolling his eyes as he  kept his palm flush against Phil’s lips. When he seemed sure that Phil was going to hush, he dropped his hand to the counter.

 

“Okay, like I was saying,” He started, moving to sit back on the stool, “Guess what.”

 

Phil sighed, raising an eyebrow, “What?”

 

“Some guy is going to take me to that creepy island this week!”

 

Dan’s excitement seemed inappropriate for what he was saying. Phil didn’t know if Dan was as superstitious as he was, but there was no doubt in Phil’s mind the island was haunted. Besides, what if this guy was just going to murder Dan and leave his body there? He was probably just jumping to horrible conclusions, the worst case scenario, but there was no way to know for sure.

 

Phil was also starting to question where this unwarranted sense of protectiveness was coming from. Sure, he’d kind of felt that way over Louise every so often. There was always an odd man here and there who came in the café, making her uncomfortable. Phil would get protective then, taking the table over for her. But with Dan? It was almost _too much_.

 

Sure, Dan was obviously young. But, he was still an adult. He could handle himself, surely. Especially considering he had more life experience than Phil could ever dream of having. But there was something about him that made Phil want to take him home and tuck him into bed, with a nice mug of tea, and make sure nothing happened to him

 

Some random guy taking him to that stupid island he had idiotically told Dan about? Yeah, that was the opposite of what Phil wanted.

 

Phil felt his lips part slightly, letting out a shaky sigh, before closing his mouth. He wasn’t sure what to say. Dan was looking at him expectantly, eyes wide and sparkling like someone had just given him the best present in the entire world. Phil was sure his gaze only conveyed worry.

 

“Who?”

 

“Who what?” Dan asked.

 

“Who’s taking you? To the island, I mean. Do you know them? Are they suspicious looking? They’re not leaving you there, right? Are you going alone?”

 

“Calm down, mum.” With another roll of his eyes, Dan chuckled, “Technically I know them, because we met the other day. That counts, right? They’re not suspicious and they’re not leaving me. So I won’t be alone. You don’t have to look so worried, Philly. I can handle it.”

 

The café was relatively empty, and Louise was propped against a table near the door talking to a group of girls he assumed she knew, so Phil didn’t feel as bad about leaning on the counter and shirking his responsibilities to talk to Dan.

 

“I’m not a mum. I just – The island is pretty creepy, ya’know? I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

 

 

Dan grinned, placing his hand on top of Phil’s that lay on the counter.

“Nothing’s gonna happen. I’ve done worse.”

 

 

Phil sighed, letting his gaze fall to their hands, “Somehow that’s not reassuring.”

 

* * *

* * *

 

 The man who was taking Dan to the island was named PJ. Phil had met him a few times in passing. Some mornings he came to the café to grab a cup of tea – an oddity amongst the coffee lovers of the beach – before he ventured out to do who knows what.

 

So, yeah, maybe PJ wasn’t suspicious and _maybe_ that did alleviate some of Phil’s stress about the situation. But, the worry still hung around and Dan definitely noticed it.

 

They had been sitting on the beach practically all day after Dan had joined him on his walk with Louise. It was funny to Phil how quickly it became _their_ walk when it had only been him and Louise for so long.

 

Once she had left, Phil hadn’t. All Dan had to do was give him one look and Phil found himself following him under the boardwalk.

 

“You know I live right down the beach, right?”  Phil asked as he caught the pair of swimtrunks Dan threw his way.

 

“Don’t complain. I’m saving you at least 5 minutes of exercise right now.”

 

* * *

 

 

Dan may have saved Phil that five minutes of exercise, but he added on a whole afternoon full of it. He should have known from the moment Dan started heading down the beach that he was in for it today.

 

They’d walked for what felt like miles. Phil logically knew it wasn’t that far, but his calves were protesting and the sun beating down on his skin wasn't doing his pale complexion any favors like it was Dan. But, Phil stifled all complaints, because along the way, Dan was talking to him. Not just about trivial things, but things about himself.

 

It had started after Phil made a sarcastic comment about being twenty four and still living at home.

_Dan laughed, “Yeah, I left – er, moved out, rather – the week I turned eighteen. I wasn’t sticking around.”_

_“When was that?”_

_“About two years ago.”_

_Phil couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow, “Awe, you’re practically still a baby.”_

_“Shut it, old man.”_

 

Dan hadn’t stopped there. He told Phil about his family, and despite being very vague and the conversation ending almost as soon as it started, Phil couldn’t help but feel a little bit special.

 

_‘I don’t tell many people about my family.’_

_‘Why not?’ Phil asked._

_‘No one ever really asks and even if they do, there’s not much to tell.’_

Phil could hear the resentment in his voice, the way his tone darkened and dipped to a low volume that would have been alluring under different circumstances. He took it as his cue to change to subject, which he did.

 

* * *

 

 

They’d ended up swimming back to the sandbar they’d ventured out to earlier in the week, this time returning with pockets full of seaglass. Phil had spread it out across the sand, letting the moonlight reflect through the colors as he held them up.

The sun had long sense set. Phil had barely even realized he and Dan had spent the entire day on the beach, it had gone by so quickly _._ Dan was lying on his stomach in the sand, feet crossed in the air behind him, and camera poised directly in front of his eye. He’d had the camera all day, snapping the occasional picture here and there – aside from when they were in the water. This time, it seemed different. He was focused. The pictures weren’t snapshots anymore, Dan was photographing with a purpose.

 

“You like taking pictures.” Phil stated, thinking out loud. It wasn’t a question. It was just a fact. Dan was always taking pictures and Phil was sure his camera roll was filled with about fifty unflattering ones of himself that Dan had snapped when he wasn’t paying attention. The camera was like an extension of Dan’s body. It was weird to see him without it.

 

Lowering the camera from in front of his eye, Dan turned to look back at Phil.

_Click._

Yet another offguard photo to be added to his collection.

 

 

“Yes and no.”

 

 

“What do you mean?”

Phil had thought that was one thing he was sure of about Dan. The one thing that he had known about Dan, which without fail, was correct.

 

 

Dan hesitated, just as he had before speaking of India. Pushing himself up to sit next to Phil, Dan started tracing his finger in the sand, drawing little stars before brushing them away.

 

“I like taking pictures when I’m not expected to take pictures.  It’s sort of my job… _sort of.”_

 

 

“Sort of?” Phil’s eyebrow rose.

 

 

“It’s kind of a freelance thing. I can take pictures and submit them. Then if a magazine wants them, I get paid. Since I travel a lot, it’s just easy to ‘get the shot.’” Dan dropped the camera around his neck, using his fingers to make air quotes around the last part of his sentence. “But, I’m not much of a magazine photographer, I guess. My pictures are usually too ‘abstract and weird.’ They’re not the straight shots that people want to see.”

 

 

The sound of the waves filled the silence, almost letting Dan’s sigh go unnoticed by Phil. _Almost_. 

 

“I don’t know how to put it,” Dan continued, “It’s like I can do what I want, but I can’t at the same time. I’m probably making no sense. M’sorry.”

 

Dan forced a laugh that sounded far too sad for Phil’s liking. He leaned his shoulder against Dan’s gently.

 

“Trust me, I get it. I really get it.”

 

And, he did.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

There was barely a beat of silence before Dan startled rambling on about his job. He didn’t start traveling with the intentions to be a photographer. He had just happened about a storm on the shore of some random island Phil had never heard of a few months after he left home, he took a picture, posted it online, and all of a sudden he was getting contacted by a travel magazine from the states.

 

_‘I thought it was just a one off thing,’ Dan said with a shrug, ‘Apparently it wasn’t.’_

 

 

Less than a week later, a plant and garden magazine that was partnered with the last magazine that contacted Dan had reached out to him and asked him to photograph a forest on the outskirts of  New Zealand –  where he currently was.

Obviously, he’d taken the offer.

 

_‘How could I have said no to that?’_

 

It had all spiraled from there. Since he moved around so much, magazines sought after him and more often than not, they ignored the artsy style of photography he preferred for the high quality stills they wanted.

 

 

_‘I get it. It’s nothing personal. Just business, I guess.’_

 

What raised the most questions in Phil’s mind was the fact that Dan didn’t use his name when published his photos. He used a pseudonym – James Lee.

 

 

“But, why?” Phil asked. They had both turned to face each other, sitting cross legged in the sand.

 

 

Biting his bottom lip, Dan shrugged. His whole body went rigid and the eye contact he had been holding with Phil instantly dropped. It was blaringly obvious he was trying to think of something to say. Whether it was a lie or the truth, Phil couldn’t tell. He wasn’t as skilled at reading Dan as Dan was at reading him.

 

 

“I just don’t want anyone to know my name.”

 

* * *

 

 

The sentence lingered in Phil’s mind on his whole walk home and didn’t go away until his head hit the pillow and he drifted off to sleep.

 

Was he hiding? If he was, why?

 

Phil’s mind instantly jumped to criminal. He had done something bad. That’s why he didn’t stay in one spot, jumping from country to country like it was no issue at all. With a freelance photographer’s pay, how was Dan even affording this kind of travel? There was no way.

 

The conversation had raised many questions in Phil’s mind, alongside some blaringly bright red flags. Who was Dan? Was his name even Dan? And more importantly, what was he hiding? Or was he even hiding at all? It wasn't completely illogical to use a fake name for things like that.

 

Right?

 

Phil wasn't sure.

 

All of a sudden, Dan seemed like more of an mystery than he was the first day Phil had met him.


	5. Chapter 5

There was a heavy sense of lingering guilt that lay over Phil by the time he made it to work. His sleep the night before had been short lived. Not long after drifting off, he’d awoken due to his own paranoid thoughts about Dan and his poor 3 AM judgment seemed to decide that googling ‘James Lee’ wasn’t a serious invasion of Dan’s privacy. So he did.

 

Phil probably could have guessed that the amount of results would be staggering. ‘James Lee’ wasn’t exactly an uncommon name and the many pages of search results that showed up after he pressed enter on his old laptop keyboard proved that. From phones numbers to business men to authors, there was a slew of James Lee’s. But there was no sign of Dan’s ‘James Lee.’

 

Typing in James Lee Photographer was the key.  The first article that loaded highlighted the picture from India Dan had told him about last night.

 

**_James Lee ; Leh-Ladahk (India)_ **

 

It was featured on an online travel blog in an article highlighting the best tourist locations around the globe. Only a few paragraphs below that was another picture from the Isles of Morocco. Though when Phil clicked on the image, it took him to a completely different website all together.

 

**J.L. Photography** spread out in huge font across the top of the monochrome webpage, the images below slowly rendering and becoming clear. Phil couldn’t stop himself from scrolling, eyes roaming over the landscape shots that littered the page, the series of sunrises and sunsets, popular landmarks he’d learned about in grade school and some he’d never heard of.

 

In between the standard shots, there were photos taken from odd angles. Their colors edited to appear brighter than they were, shots taken in a way that obscured the sights behind it. If Phil thought anything on this page was unashamedly Dan, it was these pictures. They were different. Nothing like Phil was expecting when Dan had told him about his photography, yet somehow, they perfectly encapsulated Dan to him.

Phil scrolled through page after page, his eyes roaming over all of Dan’s travels. Everywhere he’d been was lain out on the website and from the looks of it, Dan had been _everywhere_. Clicking to a new page of pictures, Phil felt his lips tighten into a straight line as he tipped the screen closer to himself.

****

**_Martha Brae River - Jamaica_ **

 

The first picture was a lot different than the others he’d seen so far. Instead of just featuring a landmark, it featured a person. A woman who was standing on the end of a wooden raft, paddle in hand, floating in the middle of the river. It was clear Dan was sat behind her from the angle of the picture. But what really caught Phil’s eye was the red heart shaped sunglass propped on top of her head. 

They were perched in the middle of a mess of red waves that tumbled over her shoulders, almost blending in entirely with the color of her hair. A camera was hung around her neck by a faded black leather strap with what looked like a small pin on the side. It was the same camera Dan had been fiddling with in the café a few weeks prior, Phil was sure of it.

Scrolling further, he found the redhead in more pictures. The sunglasses always on her head, over her eyes, or hooked on the top of her shirt. There were very few pictures of her that weren’t candid. It seemed Dan was able to catch her at the right times even when she wasn’t posing. No matter how long Phil scrolled, there was no mention of her name. She abruptly appeared and then vanished from the pictures, being the only person in all of the photos that was clearly meant to be the center of attention.

 

Phil quickly closed the webpage and fell back on his bed. He felt weird for digging into Dan’s history like that. It was all online and public, but it felt inherently wrong for him to have snooped. And instead of having answers, Phil only had more questions.

 

* * *

 

Dan was waiting at the café when Phil and Louise showed up the next morning. Phil tried to force a smile, but he could tell Dan saw through it immediately - like he always did. His head tipped to the side, sending his curls flopping over his face and making the sunglasses on the top of his head stand out more than they already did.

Phil didn't hesitate to rush inside. For the first time all summer, his fingers didn't fumble with the keys and in less than thirty seconds, he had left both Dan and Louise outside and a bit perplexed by his attitude. Glancing back over his shoulder, Phil saw Louise say something to Dan. He laughed, shaking his head and motioning towards the beach. She nodded and then she came inside, eyeing Phil suspiciously.

 

“What was that about?”

 

Blatantly ignoring his coworker, Phil grabbed a stack of cups off the counter and took them to the back not even bothering to react to Louise saying his name. It was pointless, he knew. It wasn’t like he could avoid her all day. But, the stubborn part of him wanted to. What was he supposed to say?

 

_‘Oh I cyber stalked Dan last night and now I have a ton of questions I can’t ask without looking like a total creep. Also, I’m worried he might be a fugitive or something. See ya!’_

Yeah, that would totally go over well. Not.

 

Louise barreled into the back, pushing past the swinging doors with such force they slammed into the wall. She moved so she was blocking the door and effectively cornering Phil so he couldn’t leave.

 

“What’s up with you today?” She asked, her voice lacking any of the annoyance that her posture displayed.  Instead, she seemed more concerned.  “You’re acting weird.”

 

“I am weird.” Phil countered, knowing full well Louise wasn’t going to accept that as an answer. She huffed, folding her arms across the front of her white button up.

 

“Phil.”

 

“I – Look, I just didn’t sleep very much last night, okay? It’s no big deal.”

 

 

It was clear by the look on her face that she didn’t buy that. Phil was starting to doubt his ability to hide his emotions very well. Maybe he should have taken those acting classes  during school.

But yet again, time was on his side. The clock on the wall chimed, letting both Phil and Louise know to was time to open the café. Louise barely had a chance to give Phil another glance before he was darting back out towards the door, flicking the lock and turning the open sign.

 

* * *

 

 

Dan didn’t come into the café at all that day.

 

Phil would be lying if he said he wasn’t looking for him. His mental state was torn between his rapidly growing crush on Dan and his suspicions that, maybe, Dan was hiding something incredibly bad. Deep down, Phil knew the mature thing would be to ask instead of sneaking around and generally just being weird around him now. But, he wasn’t sure how to ask. Or even what he wanted to ask.

 

It’s not like he was going to walk up to Dan and accuse him of being a criminal or demand answers about his secretive behavior. It wasn’t like he even had a right to know.

 

 

But he _wanted_ to know.

 

 

By the time his shift had ended at the café and he was walking out the door, Phil was determined to find out about Dan’s past one way or another. He was already half way down the beach when he heard Louise yelling for him.

 

 

“Philip Lester!” Louise was practically jogging through the sand, eyes pointedly narrowed in Phil’s direction. “Were you going to walk without me?”

 

 

Blinking, Phil realized that’s exactly what he was doing. He was so ingrained in his daily routine that he had automatically left the café and went straight to the beach to walk – without even thinking about Louise!

 

“I- Um, I think I was just distracted?”

 

 

Louise clearly wasn’t buying any of Phil’s excuses today. Looping her arm through his, she tugged him down to the shore.

 

“What’s up with you lately? And don’t say nothing, because I can tell something’s bothering you.”

 

 

Phil sighed, “What isn’t bothering me would be a better question.”

 

 

A frown slipped onto Louise’s lips and she sighed in a way that made Phil feel guilty for causing her to worry.

“Talk to me.”

 

 

He may feel a bit guilty for causing her concern, but Phil really didn’t want to talk to her. He really didn’t want to talk to anyone. Maybe that was part of the ‘bottling up emotions’ Louise had accused him of in the past. She was watching him when he turned to look her way, catching his eye and causing both of them to stop walking and just stare at each other silently. It wasn’t the comfortable kind of silence he could fall into with Dan. Phil found himself mentally grasping at anything to say to break the tension, but it was like his brain short circuited and there was nothing there to grab onto.

Louise opened her mouth, and Phil could practically see the words on the tip of her tongue, when a familiar voice broke through the tension.

 

 

“Hey.”

 

That was it. One simple word had snapped both Phil and Louise’s attention off the problem at hand and towards Dan who stood off to the side. He shot Phil a concerned glance, but quickly shifted his expression to be more neutral when he looked at Louise.

 

 

“I’m surprised with the amount of walking you do in the café, you two still want to walk out here everyday.”

 

Dan ended up walking with them, hanging slightly behind the two for most of the way. He was still the first – and only – person who had ever walked with he and Louise, and despite Phil’s leftover apprehension, Phil admired how quickly Dan slotted into a friendship with Lou.  They were bantering effortlessly back and forth the whole time and in a strange way, Phil felt like he was outside of the scene. It was like he was merely a casual observer to two friends walking on the beach.

But, Louise was _his_ friend. Dan should be the one observing, if anything. Phil couldn't say he wasn’t a little bit jealous, but amidst the negativity, a warm feeling burst in his chest, sending an overwhelming amount of fondness coursing through his veins for the two of them – mainly Dan.

 

Then it all stopped. Because Dan might not even be who he says he is.

 

Glancing over his shoulder, Phil was surprised when his eyes immediately met Dan’s. He quickly turned back to the front and pretended like he was listening to whatever Louise had been saying the whole time but he could feel Dan’s eyes on the back of his head for the rest of the walk.

 

Eventually, Louise left. They had walked to the sidewalk, where she had given them both a hug and warning to behave, before she left. Dan definitely knew something was up. He kept casting looks towards Phil, a weird mix of confused concern, all of which Phil had been able to ignore since Louise was there.

 

But now it was just the two of them and Phil knew he couldn’t ignore it.

 

“Are you ok – “ Dan started, but Phil quickly cut him off.

 

“I have to go home! Bye!”

 

Dan’s eyes widened, stammering out a mess of shocked gibberish, as Phil started to jog down the beach. Just like before, he could feel Dan watching him the whole way, but he made no attempt to follow.

 

* * *

 

 

Letting his front door slam shut behind him, Phil flopped face first into the couch. The throw pillows toppled to the floor with a faint thud and Phil could hear the patter of his mother’s feet down the hall. Her words carried down the hall, clearly talking on the phone, and Phil hoped she would just leave him alone for the time being.

 

Running off like that was now cemented in the list of embarrassingly awkward things he had done that will haunt him forever. What was he thinking?

 

Phil groaned into the couch cushion, the noise muffled and barely audible. He was frustrated with himself and exhausted and right now, he wished he could just sleep forever.

 

* * *

 

 

Sleeping forever was clearly off the table, but dozing off face first on the couch wasn’t. By the time Phil managed to pry his eyes open, it was dark outside. The moon was high, shining through the window and across the empty beach.

 

Staggering to his feet, Phil felt drunk – sleep drunk, anyway. Since he slept his whole afternoon away, his sleep schedule was going to be absolutely ruined – adding yet another thing he had to be frustrated with himself about about.

 

He could feel his body start tingling with pent up energy that came from his fluxuating emotions the longer he was awake. He needed something – anything – to distract him right now and burn off some of this energy he didn’t need to have. Pacing around his living room was going to do nothing more than annoy his parents who were sleeping down the hall.

 

Feeling the pull of his house keys inside his pocket, Phil turned to his front door.

 

No harm was ever done from a one am walk.

 

 

The sand underneath his feet was cool, a side effect of the sun going down and the gentle breeze that was coursing through the air. It was almost cold enough to need a jacket, though Phil was unbothered.

 

Now that he was outside, and walking off some of his emotions, he didn’t feel as bad about letting his thoughts wander. From Dan to the café to Louise to the future, everything inside Phil’s head felt like it was a ping pong ball being bounced from one side to the other.

 

It was almost funny. (Except it wasn’t.)

 

The beach was a little eerie this late at night. The laps of the waves against the shore felt oddly out of place without the constant chatter of beachgoers, the sand looked almost lonely without the trails of footprints running through it. Phil found himself stopping just short of the boardwalk, staring out towards the ocean. In the serene quiet of the night, Phil wondered if he really could love this place again or if all the love for it had been sucked out of him over the past 24 years of his life.

 

With a sigh, Phil turned to keep going, passing under the boardwalk and by a shadow on the ground.

 

Pause.

 

A very human shaped shadow.

 

Turning to look over his shoulder, Phil already knew it was going to be Dan before his eyes even met the sleeping boy’s figure. His head was slumped onto his backpack like a pillow, clothes covered from top to bottom in a layer of sand that had been blown over him by the breeze. His curls hung loosely over his closed eyes, moving only when the deep breathes from his lips caught them.

Phil wasn’t sure if he should wake him up. Undoubtedly, Dan would much rather sleep in his bed than in the sand, but how was he going to explain why he was just out here in the middle of the night? With Dan’s annoyingly endearing ability to see through Phil like glass, there was no doubt he’d know something was up. Even if Phil said he was just taking a walk.

 

But, Phil knew if he’d fallen asleep in the sand, he’d want someone to wake him up. So he nudged Dan’s shoulder gently. Dan jolted up in a flurry of sand and panic, fist raised defensively before his mind caught up to his body. The realization washed over his face and all Phil could do was stand there with his mouth open in surprise.

 

“Uh, hey?” Dan blinked up at him sleepily, rubbing a hand under his eyes and brushing away the sand that clung to his skin. His voice was deep, scratchy with sleep, and Phil found himself imagining waking up to that one day. With a shake of his head, he tried to dismiss the thought. Now was not the time for that.

Dan seemed to have come to a bit more, his eyes less lidded and more coherent of what was going on. The confusion that was steadily growing on his face, however, was making Phil flush with embarrassment, but before he could open his mouth to try and defend himself, Dan was talking.

 

“Not that I’m upset to see you, but what are you doing out here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the later update today! today was a bit busy. 
> 
> catch me on tumblr : hey-itskxt.tumblr.com


	6. Chapter 6

 Phil raised an eyebrow, staring down at Dan on the beach. It was obvious Phil was clearly more awake than he was judging by Dan’s half lidded eyes and the dark circles that were beneath them. ““What am  ** _I_**  doing? What are **_you_** doing? It’s one in the morning and you’re asleep on the beach.”

 

Dan blinked once, twice, then three times. He genuinely looked a bit lost for words. Phil blamed it on the sleepiness. 

 

“I always sleep on the beach. It’s, er, comfortable?” Dan said, forcing a stiff shrug.

 

“It’s comfortable to sleep in sand? Out in the open?”

 

Phil couldn’t believe his ears. Had Dan been sleeping on the beach the whole time he’d been here? He wasn’t even using camping stuff like most of the people who did sleep on the beach did. He was just… laying there. Out in the open, with nothing.

 

Dan must have sensed Phil’s confusion. He stood up, brushing the sand off his clothes – as much as he could, anyway – and motioned Phil to follow him with a wave of his hand. Without hesitation, he did.

 “You were going for a walk, right? Or were you out on the beach this late for another reason?”

 

 

“Oh – uh, yeah. I was gonna walk.”

 

 

Phil followed Dan’s gaze as it lowered to his hand, hesitating on his fingers before he tore himself away and started walking towards the shore.

 

 

“Do you really like to sleep on the beach?” Phil asked.

 

 

“Do you really like to work in the café?”

 

 

Even though he was sure it was a rhetorical question, Phil shook his head. A frown slowly made it’s way across his face as he looked at Dan out of the corner of his eye. His black tank top had been switched to a grey one – ever so colorful – and he was wearing a pair of black joggers. The only thing that seemed different was the silver chain hanging around his neck, whatever was on the end was tucked behind the fabric of his shirt.

 

“Are you okay?” The moonlight flitted over Dan’s face as he spoke, the words coming out so soft that the rush of the ocean almost washed them away. Phil was surprised to see Dan acting so meek.

 

 

“Just tired.”

 

 

“That’s the oldest excuse in the book, Philly.”

 

Phil could practically hear the eye roll in his tone. And even though Dan was right, which he was, Phil wasn’t about to admit it. He shrugged, humming noncommittally as they continued to walk down the beach. Then Dan hit him with yet another question he wasn’t expecting.

 

“Did I do something?”

 

Phil stiffened, stumbling over his own feet. He wouldn’t dare to look in Dan’s direction. If he looked at him right now, he was sure his resolve would crumble. Phil could feel his mind practically tearing itself in two. Two sides of him were fighting against each other, clashing, but stuck in the middle. There was no lean, no real winner. Or was there?

He knew he wanted Dan. And he suspected Dan may feel the same. But, in the back of his mind, the mystery lingered. Dan was vague. He still hadn’t revealed very much about his past, and to his defense, he wasn’t obligated to. But, Phil was growing wary. Nothing about him seemed to add up.

 

Did the good outweigh the bad? Was Dan a risk he was willing to take?

_Yes._

Of course it was. It had never really been a question. Phil always had a bad habit of jumping to the worst conclusions, the most drastic scenarios. He always assumed the worst. Usually the worst never happened and he was left with a chorus of _‘I told you so’s’_ from various people who had, in fact, told him so. It was the same thing he was doing with Dan right now. He had latched onto the vague things that didn’t add up and made them a much bigger deal than they probably were.

 

It was probably nothing. Every question has an answer and somewhere, sometime, Phil was sure he’d get his about Dan. Hopefully.

 

Realizing he had been standing in silence for too long, Phil chanced a look towards Dan. His brown eyes seemed impossibly darker under the night sky, the gold flakes in them practically radiating with concern. His bottom lip was chewed to shreds, fingers toying with the chain around his neck.

 

He looked _worried_. Nervous, even.

 

For some reason, that was all the more endearing to Phil. He fought the urge to tug Dan to his chest and hug him until all his concerns faded away.

 

“No,” Phil shook his head. “I was just overthinking, I… think.”

 

Dan looked skeptical, but the tension in his shoulders relaxed. Phil could see his face soften, his lip popping from in between his teeth as he sighed.

 

“Louise told me you do that a lot.”

 

 

“What?” Phil deadpanned. “When have you even talked to her about me?”

 

They had started walking again, the boardwalk growing smaller the further they drifted from it.

 

“That’s for me to know,” Dan winked and Phil felt his breath hitch in his throat, “I know a lot of your secrets now.”

 

Phil groaned, slapping a hand over his face in faux-dismay.

“Oh no… Louise knows too much. Now you owe me some of your secrets, _Danny.”_

 

Once the words left his lips, Phil realized what he had said. This was the exact issue that had been plaguing him with Dan and now he was casually joking about it? All in the span of twenty four hours? He could feel the mental walls he had built crumbling, like Dan himself had taken a sledgehammer to them. It was almost too much, a huge wave of emotion he in no way was prepared for.

Dan was staring at him again, watching him with narrowed eyes. Though his gaze wasn’t laced with concern. This time, he was curious. His head tipped to the side – as Phil had noticed it always did when he was interested in something – and, much to Phil’s surprise, Dan nodded.

 

 

“I suppose I do, don’t I? Should we start with the basic secrets or the ones that will drastically change your opinions on me as a person?”

 

 

Phil stammered, a nervous laugh leaving his lips. He hadn’t intended this conversation to be that serious. Dan apparently took his silence as not having an opinion. He sighed, long and pensive, before turning to face Phil.

 

 

“Okay, so… Don’t hate me after this, okay?”

 

Phil found himself nodding, the tension building in his chest almost unbearable. Dan sighed again, turning his head away from Phil and towards the waves.

 

“Remember the other day? In the café when you were talking about Buffy?”

 

Phil nodded again. Of course he remembered. It wasn’t shocking to anyone that Dan had gotten caught up in one of Phil's Buffy rants. But, this particular rant hadn’t been about Sarah Michelle Gellar. This one had been about the deaths that ran through the show. Phil felt his heart stammer, the blood in his veins falling cold. Of course Dan’s secret had to do with something like that. He had seen this coming from a mile away.

 

Dan looked back towards Phil, the light from the moon sending a shadow across his face. He stared at Phil silently, blinking only once, before he spoke again, “I, well, it’s hard to admit this – especially to you – but I haven’t seen all of Buffy.”

 

Phil blinked, temporarily stunned enough to let his mouth fall open without saying a word. He watched as Dan’s face twitched and before Phil knew it, Dan was leaning against his shoulder, nearly doubled over in laughter.

 

“You should see the look on your face.” He gasped out between his laughs. “Were you expecting me to have killed someone or something?”

 

He had done it _again._ He had jumped to the worst possible scenario and it turned out to be completely wrong!

 

“ _Dan!”_ Finally, Phil seemed to find his voice, shaking his head in genuine disbelief of what had just happened.

 

Dan was doubled over in laughter, his whole body wracked with every shallow breath he took. Phil couldn’t find it in himself to be annoyed. He wanted to be – oh, he really wanted to be. Especially with how worked up he’d gotten over this exact thing literally just hours ago. But there was something ethereal about Dan under the moonlight, a genuine smile spread across his face making his dimples dip into his cheeks. He looked younger, impossibly so. More innocent than he usually did, even though he possibly had just done the cruelest thing Phil could imagine.

Dan was shaking his head now. Even under the dim light, Phil could see the redness on his cheeks from his laughing fit, a teasing smile stretched across his face.

 

“You’re the worst person I’ve ever met.” Phil groaned, burying his face in his hands.

 

“You don’t mean that. I definitely can’t be the worst.”

 

“I dunno, mate. After that stunt, you’re definitely up there. And you haven’t even seen all of Buffy, so that’s two strikes against you already.”

 

Turning to look at Dan, Phil was met with a pair of wide brown eyes already looking at him. Dan paused, sucking his bottom lip between his teeth again, but he remained silent. There was a tentative moment of hesitation before he slipped his hand into Phil’s, interlocking their fingers, before he started walking back towards the boardwalk.

 

Phil was taken aback by this. Dan was touchy. But it had never been so deliberate, so intimate. But, he couldn’t deny he liked the way Dan’s hand felt in his. Turning, he found Dan adamantly looking at the ground.

 

They didn’t talk again until they reached the boardwalk.

And, Phil found that was okay.

 

* * *

 

“You should sleep.”

 

Lazily, Dan’s lips curved up into a smile as he leaned back against a post under the pier. His fingers slipped from between Phil’s, hand falling to his side. Phil had to fight the urge to chase after his hand as it pulled away.

 

“So should you,” Phil countered, eyebrow raised.

 

Dan’s eyes dropped down to his feet, dragging his toes through the sand. He shrugged, but didn’t look back up at Phil.

 

 

“Probably,” Dan paused, finally casting a glance up towards Phil through his lashes, “Will I see you tomorrow?”

 

 

“Yes.” Phil answered far too quickly and he could feel the blush spreading across his cheeks.

 

Dan’s signature grin was back on his face as he slumped down the post and sat in the sand. Tipping over, his head landed on his backpack softly and he shot a wink up in Phil’s direction.

 

“See you later then.”

 

A pang of concern shot through Phil’s chest as he looked down at Dan on the ground. He didn’t want him to stay out here, if he was being honest. There was a selfish part of Phil that didn’t want Dan out here because he wanted him with him, in his bed or on his couch or just in his house, in general.

The not selfish part of Phil wanted him off the beach because it just wasn’t safe.

 

Dan squinted one eye open towards Phil, a questioning look on his face.

 

With a sharp inhale, Phil blurted out the question in one breath.

“Do you want to sleep on my couch?”

 

There.

He asked.

 

It didn’t sound as creepy as asking if Dan wanted to come home with him and it gave him leeway to fix the situation if Dan was, for some reason, uncomfortable. He didn’t seem to be. He just seemed to be confused.

 

“Your couch? Like in your house?”

 

“No, Dan, my couch outside,” Phil rolled his eyes. “Duh – the couch in my house.”

 

There was a lot of hesitation in Dan’s eyes and just as Phil was about to tell him it was okay, that he didn’t have to – Dan said yes.

 

* * *

 

Dan’s backpack sat by the front door, his sandals next to it. They looked like the belonged there. _Dan_ looked like he belonged there. Despite the fact he was awkwardly hesitating in the doorway, eyes darting over the entry way.

 

“It’s nice,” He stated, walking forward. His fingers gently traced across a glass vase sitting on a side table, “Very… homey.”

 

Phil yawned as he watched Dan meander around his living room, silently cringing at he stopped in front of one of his old school pictures on the wall. Dan huffed out a laugh so quiet that it could have gone unnoticed, letting his fingers once again run across the glass of the frame.

Phil yawned again as Dan made his way back across the room, his eyes fell to the couch.

 

“Aren’t your parents going to care if someone random guy is asleep on their couch?”

 

_Yes. Yes, they would care_. Phil thought to himself, resisting the urge the facepalm. He hadn’t planned this out very well at all. It was like he’d thrown all logic out the window. Dan was watching him, a mixture of amusement and genuine concern evident from his expression.

 

“Uh, just… guest room?”

 

“You had a guest room and you were going to make me sleep on the couch?” For shame, Phil Lester, for shame.”

 

* * *

 

Dan thanked him, oddly formal and polite, as Phil led him to the guest room. He noticed that Dan tended to linger on the family photos, examining them with an odd interest. It was still surreal for Dan to be inside his home. His personal space. He found his mind reeling with fantasies of the future as he walked down the hall. Maybe Dan could _always_ be in his personal space.

 

Dan didn’t hesitate to fall back on the bed, eyes closing almost as soon as his head hit the pillow. Phil couldn’t help but stare. The light from outside filtered in the window and illuminated his curls in way that reminded Phil of a halo.

 

Ethereal.

There was that word again.

 

Phil shook himself out of his thoughts and tossed an extra blanket over Dan’s face, disrupting the image in his mind and Dan’s brief moment of peace.

 

“Oi,” Dan startled, jolting to sit back up, “Rude.”

 

“Says you.”

 

“Um, thank you, Phil. Seriously.”

 

Dan smiled, but even in the darkness of the room Phil could see that it was a bit sad. It didn’t reach his eyes like it usually would.

 

“Of course.”

 

With that, they said their goodnights and Phil found himself laying on top of his comforter, staring at the glow in the dark stars on his ceiling.

He didn’t have the luxury of getting much sleep tonight, but he knew what little sleep he did manage would be filled with dreams of Dan.

 

* * *

 

                                            

Phil was pleased to find Dan still asleep in the guest room when he peeked in the room the next morning. The blanket was pulled up to his chin, one leg hanging haphazardly over the edge of the  mattress.   

 

_‘there’s a key under the mat, if you leave, lock the door. but you can stay if you want - phil.’_

 

He stuck the sticky note to Dan’s bag and slipped out the front door as quietly as possible.

 

* * *

 

The café seemed oddly empty without Dan’s presence. It still shocked Phil that someone he’d only just met had this much of an effect on his life. He wasn’t always one to get attached so easily. Phil, himself, was usually a pretty guarded person. But, Dan was different.

Phil was perfectly aware of how cliché that was. Every time the thought came into his head, he couldn’t help but roll his eyes at himself.

 

Dan was already leaning against the wall outside the EBC when Phil and Louise stepped out the door. Phil’s eyes dropped to his housekey, now hanging on the chain around Dan’s neck, the sun reflecting over the metal as Dan twirled it between his fingers.

 

“Long day?”

 

Dan looked towards Phil when he asked, but before Phil could get a word in, Louise was answering for the both of them.

  
“Ugh, you have no idea.”

 

Dan chuckled, shooting her a sympathetic smile. Louise opened her mouth to say something, immediately backtracking from the few steps she had taken towards the beach. Casting a few glances between Dan and Phil, she started walking backwards towards the direction of the town.

 

“I can’t walk today. Maybe Dan can walk with you? Or you could go somewhere else?”

(Her wink didn’t go unnoticed by either of them.)

“There’s a bonfire tonight, too. I know you don’t usually go, Phil, but I’m sure Dan would love to come. Right, Dan?”

 

Phil was familiar to this side of Louise. He rolled his eyes before looking at Dan. He was already nodding his head – unsurprisingly to Phil – and sending a two finger salute to Louise.

 

“I’ll be there with or without this nerd.”

 

“Hey! I’m not – “

 

“Yes, you are.” Dan and Louise both spoke at the same time, giving each other a look that seemed far too familiar for people who had only just met, before they started laughing.

 

“Overruled, Lester. I’ll see you tonight.”

 

With a wave, Louise was off, leaving Dan staring expectantly at Phil. He slipped the key off his neck, dangling the chain in Phil’s direction.

 

“I didn’t want to lose it and I didn’t know if you wanted me to leave it back under the mat… So I just kept it with me.”

 

Reaching for it, Phil’s fingers barely brushed the metal before he dropped his hand away. Dan blinked, confusion written all over his face.

 

“You hang on to it for now.”

 

“Oh.”

 

For the first time, Phil was witnessing a real blush spread across Dan’s face. His cheeks were turning pinker more and more by the second, flushing down his neck. Turning his head, Dan failed to hide his smile.

 

“Thanks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading. catch me on tumblr   
> hey-itskxt.tumblr.com


	7. Chapter 7

It turned out Dan had only come to the EBC that day to see Phil – and give him his key – before he had somewhere else to be. Dan never told Phil where he wandered off to most of the time and Phil never asked. He figured it wasn’t his business and that if Dan wanted to tell him? Well, he’d tell him. That’s why it came as a shock when Dan actually did tell him he was going to be at the dock without even being prompted to.

 

“The dock? Like with the boats?”

 

Dan nodded, giving a small laugh to Phil’s confusion, “Yeah, I work there.” Pause. “Well, kind of.”

 

Phil waited hopefully. It seemed Dan was feeling a bit more open today and Phil was going to cherish every second of that.

 

“When I travel, I pick up odd jobs to make up for what photography doesn’t cover,” Dan shrugged, “And it’s a good way to immerse yourself somewhere. There’s a difference between traveling and vacations. I don’t want to feel like I’m on a constant vacation. I want to live the life, wherever I am. Ya’know?”

 

In a strange way, Phil _did_ know. Or at least he could grasp the concept. His life at the beach was far from a vacation. But, if he hadn’t spent most of his life working there, he could see how the constant feeling of ‘vacation’ would get old.

He found himself nodding, dropping his gaze to the tops of his shoes. His head was filled with thoughts, words to say right now. But they all seemed too fond. Too personal. He wasn’t sure how well Dan would take to him complimenting the way his mind worked – even if he did phrase it casually.

He didn’t have to dwell on it much longer. Before he could edge another word in, Dan was bounding down towards the docks with a wave over his shoulder and a promise to meet Phil in front of the café later that night.

 

* * *

 

 

Phil watched as the flames flickered high on the assortment of fires on the beach, casting moving shadows across the sand. The speakers had been pouring out a steady flow of a top 40 playlist that Phil knew would get drive him crazy by the end of the night. At the moment, he couldn’t bring himself to care.

 

He’d already caught sight of Louise. She was hard to miss, with her long pink skirt swaying against the beach. The fire she had built was significantly smaller than most of the others, closer to the shoreline and away from the onslaught of older people who were out that night, too. Phil definitely could appreciate that.

 

“Hey!”

 

Phil was jolted out of his thoughts, head turning immediately at the sound of Dan’s voice. The grin that spread across both of their faces was quickly becoming a natural reaction to seeing each other at this point. Waving a bottle of vodka in Phil’s face, Dan’s grin morphed into a smirk.

 

“Brought something to make up for being late.”

 

“Lou is going to love you for that,” Phil shook his head, eyeing the bottle warily.

 

“And you?”

 

“What?”

 

“Are you gonna love me for it?”

 

Phil’s mouth fell open, thankful that they weren’t near any of the fires so that Dan could properly see his face. Before he could embarrass himself by stammering out something he’d surely regret later, Dan laughed and grabbed his hand.

 

“Come on. Louise already saw us standing over here.”

 

* * *

 

 

Everything was hazy.

Phil had the audacity to wonder why until he glanced at the half empty bottled shoved in the sand near his feet. Oh yeah.

 

 

_Phil, it’s bonfire night and neither of us have to work tomorrow! I promise I won’t let you wander off into the ocean like you did – “_

_Phil cut Louise off, shoving a hand over her mouth. He ignored the questioning looks of the others in the group, before he shook his head._

_“If you promise to never mention that story again, I’ll drink whatever you want.”_

 

That had been his first mistake. Louise had taken full advantage of that and immediately shoved a drink in both his and Dan’s hand, introducing them to her friends.  Phil only knew one of them – PJ. The names of the other’s went in one ear and out the other. Because, Phil had his attention elsewhere.

He shouldn’t have taken it personally that Dan dropped his hand the closer they got to the fire. It shouldn’t bother him that Dan had made a beeline to PJ once he saw him. The weird ‘bro hug’ – as Phil labeled it – shouldn’t be replaying in his mind.

But it was.

Jealousy was a fickle thing, he decided, as he watched Dan laugh at something PJ had said across the fire. It wasn’t like Dan was ignoring him. He had been casting glances across the fire for some time now, practically beckoning Phil to join the conversation. But, Phil stayed rooted to the spot.

 

“You look lonely over here.” Louise plopped down onto the sand next to him, following his eyes across the fire. PJ was handing Dan a drink, to which Dan grinned, and Phil frowned. While it was a simple act that meant _nothing_ , Phil could already feel the jealousy coursing through his system. And apparently, so could Louise.

 

“He has a girlfriend.”

 

“What?”

 

“PJ.” Louise nudged Phil with her knee, “He has a girlfriend.”

 

“So?” Phil, ever the horrible actor, tried to act nonchalant. The smug look that crossed Louise’s face was evidence enough that he failed miserably.

 

“Up and at ‘em, love,” tugging Phil’s cup from his hand, Louise wrapped her hand around his wrist and pulled him to his feet, “Just go over there and talk to them. Dan has been making eyes at you since you got here.”

 

Phil wanted to protest. He wanted to sit right back down in the sand and let Dan come to him. But, he knew Louise. She wasn’t going to let him do that and maybe, she shouldn’t. The drink she slid into his hand sloshed over the edge of the cup and the smell of vodka was overwhelming. There was no doubt she had been extremely heavy handed with the liquor.

 

(Liquid courage for some, a recipe for disaster for others. Either way, Phil didn’t hesitate to chug half the cup on his way towards Dan and PJ.)

 

“Phil!”

Dan was drunk. Or, maybe tipsy. His words were slurred only the tiniest bit, his cheeks turning a nice shade of pink that Phil couldn’t take his eyes off of. PJ laughed, waving in Phil’s direction.

 

“Hey, mate.”

 

* * *

 

 

Dan got impossibly more touchy when he was drinking. His hand was always somewhere on Phil’s body – not that he was complaining! – and after the beginning of the night, he never left Phil’s side. His head was currently resting Phil’s lap, looking up at the sky as Phil subconsciously combed his fingers through his hair.

 

Louise had been right, as usual, about Dan wanting him where he was. Between the three of them, they’d fallen into easy conversation that only got easier the more they drank. PJ eventually sauntered off to another fire, bidding them a goodnight, and Dan had wasted no time in tipping over onto Phil. It was like he had been holding himself back, waiting for PJ to simply walk away.

 

“The stars are prettier from the beach than they are anywhere else, I think,” Dan sighed, letting his eyes fall shut.

 

Even with the slur in his words, Dan’s voice was melodic to Phil’s ear. He had never wanted to listen to someone talk more than he did with Dan in this very moment. He found himself almost praying that Dan would go on one of his longwinded rants – he didn’t even care about what. Phil’s brain, however, seemed to be failing him causing Phil to simply hum in response. He let his eyes lift to the sky, ignoring the world spinning as he did so, before he finally managed to form a sentence.

 

“I wouldn’t know.”

 

 

“Do you want to know?”

 

When Phil looked down, Dan was looking up at him. Both their faces were flushed from the alcohol, their inhibitions lowered. Phil found himself already nodding and Dan lazily grinned.

 

“Come with me,” Dan lifted a hand and traced his fingers down the side of Phil’s face, “I’d take you anywhere you wanted to go.”

 

 

“Anywhere?”

 

 

“Anywhere.”

 

* * *

 

 

The dull orange of the embers slowly fade away from their fire. Quite a few of the other bonfires had died down, Louise and her friends had scattered across the beach, and the same songs had repeated atleast twice by now, but Phil didn’t care. Dan’s head still lay in his lap. His eyes had been closed for some time now, his eyelashes casting small shadows across his skin.

 

Phil wasn’t sure if he was awake or asleep. He wasn’t even aware he had been staring down directly at Dan until he was met with a pair of brown eyes opening and a smile curving on Dan’s lips.

 

 

“M’not asleep.”

 

“Sure,” Phil couldn’t help but grin. “Whatever you say.”

 

“Ice cream.”

 

 

“What?” Phil couldn’t even give Dan time to answer before he fell into a state of drunken laughter. When he finally managed to get over it, Dan was looking at him with the faintest of pouts across his lips. There was a hint of playfulness behind his eyes and Phil couldn’t help but feel undeniably fond.

 

“I think I need it,” Dan rolled his eyes. Phil could see the exact moment he regretted doing so.

“Whoah,” Dan swayed as he sat up, plunging his hand into the sand to steady himself. “Is ice cream worth this suffering? Why did you let me drink so much?”

 

Index finger jammed in Phil’s chest, Dan giggled before dropping his hand away.

 

“I can get you ice cream,” Phil blurted out, disregarding the fact he was drunk and jumping to his feet only to stumble forward and fall directly over top of Dan. Dan shrieked, causing more than a few heads to turn as his panic turned into laughter. He didn’t seem to mind the fact that Phil was literally hovering over him, his hands planted firmly in the sand on both sides of his head in order not to simply let himself collapse on top of him. Aside from the embarrassment, Phil couldn’t say he minded much either. There was a lull in Dan’s laughter, catching Phil’s eye and holding his gaze for some time. A carnal desire stirred within Phil that he’d later blame on the alcohol. He wanted nothing more than to close the distance between them and kiss Dan like he’d never kissed anyone before.

 

He was still staring at Dan’s lips when he abruptly tumbled over into the sand courtesy of Dan shoving him off. Despite being drunk, Dan hopped to his feet with barely a sway and extended a hand down to Phil.

 

“Lead the way to the ice cream, Philly.”

 

* * *

 

 

Phil always thought the café looked eerie when it was closed. To him, it looked like a set for the next murder mystery teen drama that would come on tv with the way the floor lights stretched shadows across the floor, how the dull buzzing of the freezer seemed to echo throughout the whole building – reverberating off the stacked up chairs. But, being in front of the EBC drunk and with Dan in tow was a whole other story. Never before had the café seemed like such a heavenly place. But hearing Dan’s drunken giggles as he watched Phil fail to jam the key inside the lock, feeling the smoothness of Dan’s palm over his hands as he slid the key in for him, the ease of which Dan brushed past Phil and into the café? It put the EBC in a whole new light.

 

“Make me the thing,” Dan practically skipped across the floor, holding the swinging door that led to behind the counter open for Phil. “The thing you made me when I first came in here.”

 

“Even when I’m not working, I’m working,” Phil sighed, not at all annoyed by Dan’s request. At the moment, he was pretty sure he’d do almost anything Dan asked of him.

 

He had barely managed to put one scoop of ice cream inside the blender before the faint _click_ of Dan’s camera broke the silence. Dan was simply grinning as he dangled a small black camera by the safety strap on his finger. At this point, Phil wasn’t even surprised.

 

“ _Dan_.”

 

“ _Phil,”_ Dan mimicked, snapping another picture right as Phil was beginning to talk again.

 

“Oi! Remember who’s making your ice cream right now.”

 

* * *

 

From the café, they went back to the beach. Ice cream in hand, Phil was sure he’d never been happier – and he couldn’t blame it entirely on the alcohol. He _could_ blame it on Dan though.

 

The waves lapped against the shoreline, rushing across the tops of their feet as they walked. Phil couldn’t remember where his shoes were – or if he was even wearing any in the first place. But he didn’t care. Dan was humming softly under his breath, occasionally grabbing a stray seashell from the sand and shoving it in his pocket.

 

“Where would you want to go?” Dan asked, abruptly stopping and sitting down on the ground.

 

 

“Huh?”

 

 

“If you left here – with me – where would you want to go?”

 

Phil could see the lack of inhibition in Dan’s eyes. The way his shoulders had fallen lax, the relaxed closing of his eyes as he tilted his head back against the ground and away from Phil. He was comfortable, completely and unashamedly comfortable.

 

“Japan,” Phil answered, lying on the ground next to him, “I think.”

 

Dan let out a sleepy laugh, resting his arm overtop of his eyes.

“Of course you managed to choose the one place I’ve never actually been.”

Phil was sure he could feel Dan’s emotions practically radiating off his body.

 

_Fond._  
Content.  
Happy.  
  


 

Everything suddenly became too much. Phil found himself struggling to swallow, words that he wanted to say not forming in his throat, all while Dan was blissfully unaware. Was this all wishful thinking? Dan was unpredictable at best. It seemed unexplainably foolish to be putting so much hope in drunken words from a man he barely knew, but Phil couldn’t help it.

 

Dan was just… Dan.

And, that was enough.


	8. Chapter 8

The first thing Phil noticed upon waking up was that it was bright. Not the sand in his hair, not the uncomfortable throbbing of his head from drinking too much the night before, not even the human shaped pressure laying against his chest.

 

All he noticed was that it was bright.

 

He groaned, shifting against the grains of sand underneath him, before he recalled where he actually was. On the beach. He fell asleep on the beach… Or more likely, _passed out_ on the beach. He sat up in a panic, realizing a millisecond to late that Dan had been asleep on his chest and now was being flung off to the side.

 

“Is that how you wake up every morning?” Dan let out an amused sigh, seeming perfectly content with the fact Phil had just flung him over, “Because, we’re going to have to work on that.”

 

Phil took a minute to look over Dan and his own appearance.  It was par for the course for Dan to have sand on his skin, salt water clinging to his hair. But, despite being the one who lived at the beach, Phil couldn’t remember the last time he’d woken up with a thick layer of sand coating practically his whole body. It felt entirely too wrong and too right at the same time.

 

Dan shifted beside him, giving Phil a worried look before he shook his head much like a wet dog –  sending sand flying everywhere.  
  
“Hungover?”

 

Phil barely managed to croak out a ‘yeah’ before Dan was up on his feet, and pulling Phil to his, as well. It was like he hadn’t drunk anything at all the night before. He gave Phil a sympathetic smile, lacing their fingers together as he led Phil up the beach.

 

“We fell asleep on the beach,” Phil managed to stutter out, his hungover brain finally catching up to what was happening. Dan laughed, full bodied, shaking his head.

 

“Did we? I had no idea.”

 

“I’d roll my eyes at you if I knew it wouldn’t make me feel a million times worse.”

 

Dan only chuckled under his breath, not bothering to respond to Phil at all. Instead he gave Phil a gentle shove towards the public showers that sat on the edge of the beach.  


 

“Rinse off. You can wear some of my clothes and then we can get some coffee in you, so you’ll stop being so grumpy.”

 

There was no time to argue. Dan was gone before Phil could even register what was going on. He was really a whole other breed of person. Unsurprisingly, Phil obliged to Dan’s demands. Without even bothering to change out of his clothes – not that he would have anyway, it was a public beach afterall –  Phil turned the handle of the shower and let the water cascade down his body. He watched as the sand ran off and swirled at his feet, forming a small puddle before it was whisked down the drain. That was how his memories of last night felt. It was like they were there, swirling around in his head but before he could get a clear picture of them, they were gone. Washing away just like the water on the ground.  


He remembered Dan’s head in his lap. The way he looked up at him, promising to take him anywhere he wanted to go. Did his drunken brain make that up or did it actually happen? He knew the walk actually happened. He knew the ice cream actually happened. But all the conversations seemed to be fake. They seemed too surreal to happen in Phil’s life.

 

 

“I know they’re not as bright as your usual clothes, but they’ll have to do for now.”

 

 

Dan lay the clothes across the railing, shaking Phil out of his thoughts, before taking a few steps towards him. His hands dropped to Phil’s hips, pulling him out from under the water and gently guiding him towards the clothes. Phil felt his breath catch in his throat, feet only moving because Dan was forcing him too. He couldn’t help it when his eyes dropped to Dan’s fingers, tight around his waist.

 

Just as soon as his hands were there, they were gone. Dan’s fingers ghosted across the wet fabric of Phil’s shirt as he pulled away, backing into the water Phil had left running. Even after they were gone, Phil still felt them.

 

* * *

 

 

The clock on the wall read just after 10 AM. Phil watched as the hand moved slowly around the numbers, making a tiny ticking noise as it went.

 

Dan had insisted they go to the EBC.

_(‘It would be a betrayal if we went anywhere else and besides, it’s closest.’)_

 

Phil hadn’t argued despite having every desire to. Instead he followed Dan inside as he made his way to the counter just as he did everyday Phil was working. His mother stood on one end of the counter, engrossed in conversation with a group of ladies who came in most mornings around this time and his father was nowhere to be seen. Phil almost breathed a sigh of relief. He loved his parents more than anything, but he didn’t think he could deal with any drawn out human contact until his headache subsided.

 

Dan seemed intrigued. He, of course, knew Phil’s parents owned the café but to Phil’s knowledge, he’d never seen them until now. He glanced between Phil and his mother a few times, the mental connection finally forming as he noticed the similarities.

 

“You look like your mum,” He smiled faintly.

 

As much as Phil would love to have a conversation about his genetics with Dan (not), he needed coffee and his mother’s conversation didn’t seem to be dying down. He’d have to get it himself. The two coffee pots behind the counter were noticeably empty and Phil sighed, holding up a finger to Dan to let him know he’d be right back before he disappeared behind the swinging doors on a quest for caffeine.

 

By the time he returned, two mugs of coffee in hand, his mother was leaning across the counter in conversation with Dan.

 

“… never mentioned you. Not that he’s round much. We’re all a bit busy, after all.”

 

He watched for a bit, noting how Dan seemed every bit as relaxed around his mother as he did most everyone – albeit, much more polite than he was around Phil. The swish of the door shutting behind him caught his mother’s attention and she smiled towards Phil, beckoning him over.

 

“Philip, why didn’t you tell me you made a new friend?”

 

“Was I supposed to?”

 

Opening her mouth to answer, Phil watched as his mother’s face scrunched up in an expression that he recognized immediately. It was the same look he’d gotten as a little kid for hitting his brother or throwing a tantrum in a store; The same look that had been plastered on his mother’s face the first night he’d snuck out as a teenager and gotten caught.

 

He was in trouble for something.

 

“You look horrible. Did you stay out all night? You know that’s not good for you, dear.”

 

Like a hawk, she circled around Phil. Her frown was progressively getting larger until she gasped and jammed her index finger into his chest.

 

“You’re hungover!”

 

 

“Mom, I’m old enough to –“

 

 

“I don’t want to hear it! You could have gotten hurt! The last time you drank, you wandered straight into the ocean and nearly drowned yourself,” She turned to Dan, shaking her head in disapproval. “I don’t know what would have happened if Louise wasn’t there.”

 

 

Dan sucked his bottom lip between his teeth, biting down so hard Phil was sure blood would begin pouring out at any second. His lips threatened to quirk up into a smile and Phil knew without a shadow of a doubt he was on the verge of laughter.

 

 

“It was an absolute nightmare seeing Louise carry him up our steps, soaking wet. He babbled on about Buffy for who knows how long before he finally passed out. Pure childishness.”

 

 

Dan laughed, quickly coughing into his sleeve to cover it up. Phil shot an eye roll in his direction.

“Oh, I totally agree, Mrs. Lester. We wouldn’t Philip here to drown or anything over something so silly.”

 

Now Phil was full on glaring at Dan. He could see the twinkle of mischief behind his eyes, the way they flickered over to Phil and seemed to light up at his annoyance. Phil hated that it was so endearing.

 

“See? At least your friends have sense! Sit, child. I’ll make you two some breakfast.”

 

* * *

 

 Phil was forced to idly sit by as his mother and Dan talked – mainly at his expense. He was sure Dan knew more embarrassing stories about Phil as a child now than Louise did and he mentally cursed his mother for telling them. If he didn’t have a plate full of bacon and eggs to shove into his mouth, Phil was more than positive he would have been sighing for the last thirty minutes straight.

 

The plus side to his suffering was Dan’s amusement. As much as Phil wanted to pretend to be annoyed, he couldn’t. Dan seemed positively thrilled to hear about Phil as a child, clinging on to every word that left his mother’s lips; his eyes crinkling with every smile. Yet again, the whole situation was beginning to feel too personal. This seemed like the kind of thing that should happen with someone he was dating. But he and Dan? Phil wasn’t even sure they could put a label on what they were at all.

 

Phil zoned back in after a particularly unpleasant story of Phil getting stuck in a tree was over. Dan may enjoy hearing about Phil’s past, but that didn’t mean he did. The conversation had lulled, just in time for someone else to walk inside the café, his mother flashing them a bright grin and greeting them. One of the other servers got to the table before she even took a step, so she turned back to Dan.

 

“So, where are you from, Daniel?”

 

It look less than a second for every muscle in Dan’s body to go rigid, the anxiety crossing his face going completely unnoticed by his mother. But Phil definitely noticed. Dan’s hand dropped to the fork on the counter, fidgeting with the metal between his fingers. His leg started to bounce and for the first time in the conversation, he wasn’t meeting anyone’s gaze.

 

“Here, there. Everywhere, really. We moved around a lot when I was a kid.”

 

_Lie. That was definitely a lie._

Dan didn’t even have to look at Phil for him to know. It was as clear as the glass windows of the EBC.

 

“Oh? You just look so familiar to me. Did you and your family ever come down here for a summer?” She asked, sweeping the plates off the counter into her hands.

 

If Phil thought Dan was rigid before, he hadn’t seen anything yet. From the paling of his skin to the absolute stillness of his body, Dan reminded Phil of a perfect statue. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Dan so still in all his time at the beach. Was he even blinking?

 

“Aha, not that I know of. We didn’t get a chance to vacation much,” Dan shook his head, his shoulders falling lax and his expression shifting back to normal. Phil could tell he was forcing it. The usual air of casualness that hung around him was clouded with nerves, anxiousness, maybe even fear. Phil didn’t like it.

 

“I have to get to the docks,” Dan said, abruptly standing up and nearly tripping over the legs of the stool in the process, “It was nice to meet you, Mrs. Lester. Thank you for breakfast.”

 

A smile finally crossed his face, but it didn’t reach his eyes. With his usual two finger salute, Dan was out the door before a goodbye even passed Phil’s lips.

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m glad you made another friend, Phil.”

 

Tearing his eyes away from the door, Phil glanced back towards his mother. She still had both plates balanced in her hand, stacking the silverware on the top. She looked perfectly content with the being in the café. She reminded Phil of someone who should be in an old black and white movie, with her hair piled into a bun on top of her head, pencil stuck through the middle ; the white apron tied around her waist, the top of the notepad she used to take orders in sticking out of the top of the pocket; the way she gracefully flitted around behind the counter, cheerfully greeting everyone who walked through the door.

 

There was no doubt in Phil’s mind that she loved the EBC and was always meant to own it. For a while, Phil had tried to imitate how his mother acted. He’d lodged a pencil behind his ear and a fake smile on his lips, trotting around from table to table making small talk with the guests. He quickly found out he lacked the authenticity that his mother had. His disdain for the café outweighed his desire to please his parents, and it showed.

 

Being at the EBC, alongside Dan’s weird behavior, had put Phil in a strange mood. It was like Dan’s anxiousness had rubbed off on him and now his head was swirling as fast as the blender behind the counter.

 

“I’m gonna go,” Phil quietly shouted overtop of the kitchen noise as he walked into the back.

 

His mother’s head shot up, strands of hair falling over her eyes that she quickly blew out of her face.

“Now wait a minute, you’re already here. So – “

 

 

“ _Mom_ ,” Phil didn’t even have it in him to care about how whiney his voice sounded, “I’m off today. I don’t want to work.”

 

 

She laughed, “No, no. I’m not going to ask you to work, child. I’m not that mean. But, I do need to talk to you. I was going to wait to discuss this with your father around, but who knows where that man is.”

 

Phil gulped, mentally scrambling for any way to get out of this. Needing to _‘talk’_ never equated to being anything good and he wasn’t in the mood for any kind of serious conversation now. His mother read the look on his face immediately and shook her head no.

 

 

“You’re not getting out of it. Besides, it’s nothing bad and it’ll only take a sec!”

 

* * *

 

 The back office was a stark contrast to the café just behind a few closed doors.

 

Where the café was bright, teeming with people and chatter, the office was dimly lit by a a buzzing overhead light that made Phil’s head hurt and eerily quiet. The baby blue walls of the café stopped there, leaving the office painted a dull off white covered with bumps and scuffs from furniture being moved.

 

The only thing the two really shared in common was the fact that Phil and his mother had been in both rooms on that same day. Phil took a seat in one of the chairs in front of the desk. The metal pressed into his back and as unpleasant as it was, he couldn’t find it in himself to move. His mother was shifting through a stack of papers on the desk, mumbling curses under her breath about his father’s disorganization.

 

 

“I wanted to do this at home, over dinner one night. It was going to be a very lovely moment,” She started, propping herself against the edge of the desk with a sigh, “But, things changed and now I have to do it now.”

 

The heat from the room was making Phil sweat – or maybe he was getting nervous. Either way, it was getting irritating. He forced himself to rip his focus away from his displeasure and back to his mom. She had a smile on her face, looking at him just like the time he’d won his school’s science fair.

 

 _Proud._ She was proud.

 

“If you’re a good child, you’ll remember you father and my anniversary is in a few days.”

_(Phil hadn’t remembered.)_

“We’re going to go out of town for a few days. To spend some time with each other.”

 

Phil felt his brow furrow, “Uh, what does that have to do with me?”

 

“We decided it was time for you to try your hand at running the café without us around!” She beamed at Phil, clearly expecting the same form of enthusiasm but Phil could offer nothing more than a nervous laugh. “So, for a week, consider yourself promoted, child. Consider it a test run for the future.”

 

_The future._

 

A test run for the future _. His_ future. At the café. On the beach. Stuck here.

 

In the split second it took the words to leave his mother’s mouth, Phil’s entire chest seemed to seize. He inhaled sharply, gripping the chair so hard his knuckles were starting to turn as white as the walls. He wasn’t as able to conceal his panic as Dan apparently was. At the moment, he really envied his acting abilities.

Luckily, his mother had diverted her attention to looking around the papers on the desk and after a few deep breathes, Phil felt comfortable enough to manage a sentence. Or, more accurately, a word.

 

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey-itskxt.tumblr.com
> 
> thanks for all the comments<3 i'm bad at replying sometimes, but i really do appreciate them :)


	9. Chapter 9

The moment after the conversation with his mother had ended, Phil burst through the back doors of the café and ran. He never ran. But, today the soles of his shoes were thudding against the concrete in a direct path towards the docks.

 

Towards Dan.

 

It was undeniably unhealthy that Phil felt this strongly about Dan already. It wasn’t love. Phil wouldn’t even call it a crush anymore. Dan was just the semblance of calming to him. He was like the sound of the waves, the white noise, that lulled Phil to sleep through his bedroom window; the sand on the beach just as the sun was rising, not yet hot and soft to the touch; the way the sun melted into the horizon, overtop of the ocean every evening.

 

Things Phil loved about living at the beach, things that had generally always been calming to him. Somehow, Dan exuded the same energy. So, he supposed it was only natural his mind was taking him in Dan’s direction without a second thought.

Phil stopped just short of the knotted, wooden pier that stretched out into the water. Amongst the boats lining the sides, was a slew of people – from young to old – all seeming to have some job to do. But, Phil couldn’t spot Dan in the crowd. There was no sign of his curls that would surely tower above most of the people here. There was no echo of his voice from anywhere on the water. He wasn’t there.

 

He definitely wasn’t there.

 

It seemed obvious now that Dan having to work had just been an excuse. He was just doing what he always did and avoiding questions he didn’t want to answer. The wave of annoyance that crashed into Phil’s chest felt unwarranted. What right to know Dan’s life did he have?

 

He turned to leave, planning on spending the rest of the day in bed and sulking, when he ran  into someone walking behind him. The man huffed, barely staggering from the impact. He didn’t even say anything as he walked past Phil with a glare.

 

But, Dan did.

 

Appearing out of nowhere, like he always seemed to do, Dan was staring at Phil like Phil used to stare at the equations in his algebra book. Confused. His brow was furrowed and his head tipped slightly to the side.

 

“Are you okay? What’re you doing here?”

 

“I, uh,” Phil hesitated, “I just…”

 

It didn’t seem Phil needed to say anything else. Dan understood. Phil could tell just by the look on his face and the sympathetic half smile that slowly was morphing onto his lips.

 

“Come on, let’s get out of here.”

 

* * *

 

They walked in silence.

Phil’s eyes locked on the ground and Dan’s eyes constantly flitting back to Phil.

 

“Sorry I made you leave work,” Phil finally uttered, a short sigh following his words.

 

To his surprise, Dan chuckled, “You didn’t make me do anything. It was boring today anyway.”

 

Dan paused, catching his bottom lip between his teeth. There was an ident in the skin from where he had been chewing on it. A perfect, crescent shape from the bottom of his tooth. Phil found himself staring at it, committing the little crescent to memory.

 

“You don’t have to talk about it,” Dan started, “But, if you want to, you know I’m a good listener. Or at least, I hope you know that.”

 

“I don’t even know what to say.”

 

“Whatever you want to.”

 

And just like that, it was like Dan had turned the faucet to his mind and everything was spilling out. From his disdain of being stuck on the beach to he and his parent’s unshared desire of Phil running the café. To Dan’s credit, he listened. To every word.

 

He chimed in periodically, not saying anything that would derail the conversation but words of encouragement that prompted Phil to keep going; that told him, it was okay. Dan didn’t mind listening.

 

Phil wasn’t even sure how long he’d been venting for. He knew they’d walked the entire length of the town though. The city limits sign stood a mere few steps in front of them. Both Dan and Phil had stopped walking, quietly staring at the metal shoved into the ground.

 

“Sometimes I just want to run away,” Phil sighed, nudging the tip of Converse into the road.

 

“To start over somewhere new,” Dan interjected. His tone was somber, a voice Phil hadn’t heard before. It didn’t hold any semblance of how Dan usually spoke. It didn’t even compare to how he spoke when he got nervous. This was entirely different.

 

And, maybe, Phil was too caught up in his own head to even fully register it. It went in one ear and out the other, only prompting a small sigh of agreement from his lips. Suddenly, Dan turned to Phil and grabbed his hand. Phil, wide eyed, stared up at him.

 

“You said you’ve never left the town before, right?”

 

Phil nodded.

 

“Not even once?”

 

Phil nodded again.

 

Just like that, the Dan that Phil was used to was back. His fingers wasted no time intertwining with Phil’s, tugging him along beside him as he walked towards the sign.

 

No, _past_ the sign.

 

“What –?”

 

“There,” Dan grinned, “Now, you’ve left the town.”

 

* * *

 

 

Phil was so busy over the next week it was almost unbearable. His parents had left him with no more than a goodbye and a list of things he needed to do every day.  

 

And it seemed Dan was extra busy this week, as well. Their interactions were short lived, fast paced. They left Phil practically begging for me, wishing Dan would just stay.

 

But he didn’t.

 

Phil shouldn’t take it personally. Dan had a life, too. He had a job and despite never mentioning other friends, Phil was sure he had some. It wasn’t like he had to hang around Phil constantly. It just sucked that the one week Phil could have truly used the moral support, Dan seemed to disappear.

 

He tried to shake the bitterness out of his head, but it all seemed to come flooding back. It was like a dam had been broken and he found himself hiding behind the kitchen door, trying to force himself into a better mood before he started dealing with customers. He could hear the bustle of people outside the door, chairs scraping against the floor, the familiar sound of the same group of teenagers laughing. Louise was talking to someone. But he couldn’t focus on that. All he could focus on was the fact he did NOT want to be there.

 

The kitchen door swung open and Phil subconsciously buried his head in his hands.

 

“Louise, please give me like five minutes.”

 

“Not Louise. But she says you can take as long as you need.”

 

Phil’s head snapped up at the sound of Dan’s voice, a string of incoherent babbling coming out his lips. Questions were overlapping one another, and all his words weren’t working. And Dan had the audacity to stand there and look like he genuinely cared. It was almost too much.

 

“Phil – “

 

“Why are you back here?” Phil questioned. It came out a lot harsher than intended and he pretended not to notice Dan flinch.

 

“Louise is worried, but she couldn’t come back here…”

 

Phil hadn’t even noticed he’d started pacing. Dan wasn’t doing anything wrong but he definitely hadn’t wanted him to see him like this. He could feel the annoyance bubbling up inside his chest and as much as he tried to stomp it down, he couldn’t.

 

“So she told you too? Great, I’ll thank her for that later.”

 

Dan frowned, but he made no move to leave.

“Phil, don’t – “

 

“Don’t tell me what to do!”

 

Dan’s lips parted slightly and Phil could hear the shaky breathe that passed them.

“Okay,” He started, “How about you tell me what you want me to do?”

 

“I… I don’t know.” Phil mumbled. His annoyance had faded into guilt and now he felt bad for snapping at Dan. Yet, he still stood there. His lip caught between his teeth, and worry written all over his face.

 

“Do you want some water?” He asked, quietly. Phil nodded.

 

* * *

 

 

“Sorry I snapped at you.”

 

Phil had long sense finished the glass of water, setting it off to the side where it definitely would leave a ring on the table from the condensation. They both were sitting on the floor of the kitchen, Dan’s hand on Phil’s knee – tracing circles and stars and a million other shapes Phil couldn’t identify.

 

“S’okay. Sometimes things get to be too much. Sometimes you need to snap.” Dan smiled and Phil was surprised to find it was genuine. How was some boy he barely knew handling this so much better than his own parents? Heck, he was almost handling it better than Louise. Sighing, Phil dropped his head into his hands.

 

“I need, um, to work.”

 

“I asked Louise to call someone in.”

 

The words cut Phil off from standing up and he looked at Dan wide eyed. Another wave of emotion hit him. For the life of him, he couldn’t figure out if they were good or bad.

 

“She said you’ll have to work tonight though…” Dan frowned, “But, she wants you to take the day to ‘chill out and vibe with the beach.’”

 

Dan’s air quotes fell to his lap, earning a chuckle from Phil. He could hear Louise saying those exact words in his mind and the familiarity – for once – was relieving. When he glanced up, Dan was already looking at him, chocolate brown eyes wide and fully focused on Phil. The amount of feeling conveyed through that simple look alone was enough to reduce Phil to a mess internally. He opened his mouth to speak, snapping it shut abruptly when he realized whatever he was going to say in the moment would probably come back to haunt him when he was in a downward spiral of ‘embarrassing memories.’ Dan’s lips curved into a faint smile as he pushed himself off the floor and, as he always did, extended his hand down to Phil.

 

Phil didn’t hesitate to take it and pull himself to his feet. He had expected Dan to drop his hand when he stood up. He hadn’t expected his grip to tighten, giving Phil a reassuring squeeze before pulling him through the swinging doors that led into the café. It was only then that his hand dropped.

 

“We’re going now, Louise.” Dan waved in her direction and she shot a worried smile back.

 

“You’re taking Jake’s shift, Phil. Be here at five, okay?”

 

Phil nodded and followed Dan out the door.

 

* * *

 

 

The sun was bright and Phil was squinting before he even had both feet out the door. Dan’s laugh filled his ears and suddenly there was a light weight on his nose. When his eyes finally opened fully, they were shielded by the dark lenses of Dan’s sunglasses.

 

The heart shaped ones.

 

“Cute.” Dan smirked, bumping his hip into Phil’s. “You almost pull them off better than me. I might have to reconsider letting you wear them.”

 

The plastic felt heavy on the bridge of his nose, but Phil couldn’t help but perk up a little at Dan’s words. He found himself blindly following Dan towards the boardwalk. Dan was talking about a book he’d read, the conversation was light and distracting. Phil knew that Dan knew what he was doing. He was giving Phil an escape; something else to think about, even if it was a bit trivial.

 

They walked under the boardwalk, heading further down the sand. Phil cast a confused look over his shoulder, before Dan stopped at the bottom steps that led up to his house.

 

“A good remedy for bad days is being lazy and binge watching anime,” Dan nudged Phil towards the bottom step and he stumbled forward to it. “So, try to relax until you have to go back to the café.”

 

The sound of Dan’s sandals hitting the sand caused Phil’s head to whip around. He met Dan’s eyes almost immediately.

 

“Do you want to come inside?”

 

* * *

 

 

Dan’s shoes sat by the door, just as they had the first time he’d come inside. Just like they did then, they looked natural sitting on the shoe rack next to Phil’s.

 

Dan had already let himself wander into the living room, like he’d been living here forever as opposed to only having stayed there once. He lingered by the bookshelf on the side of the room where quite family pictures sat in worn frames, arranged in between the novels. There was something sad about the way Dan looked over the old family photos. His lips briefly quirked into a small smile. But it was the same kind of smile you gave when trying to convince someone you were okay. It wasn’t genuine and it definitely wasn’t Dan.

 

And maybe Phil was feeling bold. Maybe his anxiety from earlier had caused all sense of social graces to go out the window, his boundaries were nonexistent. Because before he could stop himself, the words were already falling from his mouth.

 

“You never talk about your family.”

 

Dan froze, his fingers resting on the edge of a family picture Phil had taken when he was barely a toddler. Then, he shook his head.

 

“I don’t.”

 

“Why?”

 

The breath Dan let out was shaky, just like his fingers had become. He turned back to Phil and shook his head.

 “Sad stories aren’t everyone’s favorite thing to talk about.”

 

There was something about the look on Dan’s face that compelled Phil to hug him. So, he did.

 

In two quick strides, he was across the living room floor and had his arms firmly planted around Dan’s shoulders. Dan let out a tiny gasp as Phil pulled him to his chest, but he didn’t pull away. His arms never wrapped themselves back around Phil, but for a moment, he did let his head fall against Phil’s chest. His hair brushed under Phil’s neck sending a splattering of goosebumps across his skin.

 

“You can talk to me, Dan. You know that.”

 

“I know. Somethings are just best left in the past.”

 

* * *

 

His curiosity was raging, but Phil had dropped it after that point. His arms had slipped from around Dan and fallen back to his side and the two stared at each other in silence before Phil suddenly turned around and grabbed the remote off the coffee table.

 

It didn’t take long for them to decide on an anime ( _Death Note_ , because… it’s a classic) and situate themselves on the couch.

 

On opposite ends of the couch.

 

Phil’s couch wasn’t big, but the space between he and Dan felt like the entire ocean. Maybe the hug was the wrong thing to do. He shouldn’t have pried. Dan was probably mad at him now. Phil’s mind started whirling again, spinning with all kinds of scenarios that were, honestly, very unlikely to happen. But, he couldn’t convince himself of that. He could feel Dan watching him instead of the tv, the faint sound of the opening song was playing. But, he couldn’t bring himself to care or even listen for that matter.

 

The feeling of the couch shifting jarred Phil enough for him to know that someone was moving, but he didn’t look. He didn’t look when Dan’s hand wrapped around his and he didn’t look when Dan told him to breathe.

 

But, he listened.

 

* * *

 

 

They didn't talk about it. 

 

Whatever mental breakdown Phil had just had went completely ignored in favor of Dan's head resting on his shoulder and Death Note playing on the tv. It wasn't awkward, but the atmosphere around them was off. It had shifted into a strange middle ground of apathy and contentment. Two things that shouldn't go together at all but somehow did. 

 

He wondered if Dan was feeling the same way.

 

"Phil?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"I'm sorry," Dan sighed. 

 

"For what?"

 

"I don't know. For being so vague about my family. I don't want you to think it's because of you or anything. Because it's not - I swear, it's not. I just feel... bad? I guess."

 

Phil couldn't help himself from frowning. He shifted against the couch cushion, forcing Dan to move and look at him. 

 

"You don't have to feel bad for not telling me."

 

Dan nodded, but it was clear he didn't believe that. Eventually, he shifted his head to rest back against Phil's side. He wasn't sure when, but at some point, Phil felt his eyes going heavy and before he realized it, he had dozed off.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took me so long to update. i was having a bad time with my good ole depression, but i'm feeling better now & updates should be back to normal. :)

There was a lot of noise in Phil’s dream. The opening of a door, the bottom swishing against a rug before it shut with a loud click of the lock, the sound of shoes being chucked off, footsteps leading down the hall, a fairly loud gasp as the steps came to an abrupt halt.

 

Then suddenly there was a light. A bright light. A bright light his mind immediately registered as the living room light on his ceiling.

 

_Oh no._

 

Everything clicked into place in the split second it took Phil to fling himself off the couch - in the process, sending Dan tumbling to the floor.

 

“Mom!”

 

His mother stood in the doorway, her gaze moving between where Dan sat on the floor and where Phil stood in front of her. Her gaze was expressionless and the lack of response all together was only putting Phil more on edge.

 

“Um, I  - Weren’t you and dad supposed to come home later tonight?”

 

 

“It’s well after midnight, Philip.”

 

 

Phil heard Dan shifting on the carpet behind him, but he refrained from looking back. He was sure that Dan was just as panicked as he was. Or maybe he wasn’t. Dan was hard to pinpoint sometimes. Judging from his silence, however, Phil was sure he wasn’t alone in his anxiety.

 

 

“Right… I guess we fell asleep.”

 

 

The lull of silence that followed his excuse was the most tense few seconds Phil had ever experienced... Despite not even being the point of his mother’s scrutiny. She had tilted her gaze down to Dan, wide eyes now narrowed as if she was trying to study his face. Dan was sitting there, his lip between his teeth, clearly unsure what he should do. The silence seemed to stretch to long. Just as Phil was about to break it, his mother turned back to him and nodded.

 

“Hm. Goodnight then. We’ll talk about your week with the café in the morning.”

 

And with that, she turned on her heels and made her way down the hallway. The bedroom door shut with a resounding thud and it was only in that moment that Phil let out the breath he was subconsciously holding.

 

“I’m sorry,” He turned to Dan, practically collapsing to sit on the carpet next to him. “God, I’m sorry. I didn’t… I mean, I set an alarm, didn’t I? Louise is going to be so mad. I didn’t even show back up at work and you just had to deal with that and-”

 

“Phil, stop,” Dan laughed, albeit a bit nervously, placing a hand on his knee. “Calm down. I’ve dealt with awkwardness before. I’ll live.”

 

“I’m not sure I will,” Phil sighed, running a hand through the mess of his hair.

 

Dan had been asleep in his lap  _again_ and he’d flung him over  _again._  He was really starting to hate his startle reflex. He could feel Dan’s eyes roaming his face, clearly searching for any sign of how Phil was feeling in this moment. His thumb ran circles over the exposed skin on his knee, letting Phil brew over his thoughts without interruption. For a moment, Phil didn’t care that his mom had just walked in on them. They weren’t doing anything. They’d just fallen asleep. What was there to get worked up over?

 

Debatably, he could get worked up over the fact he wasn’t exactly out to his parents yet. He knew they had their suspicions but he’d never confirmed them. And,  _debatably_ , he could be upset over the fact he slept straight through work after he’d already had to leave work earlier that day. He could go on about what he could be upset over for hours.

 

But now, Phil was going to allow himself to just… not.

 

He looked up meeting Dan’s eyes almost immediately. His lips curved into an unsure, reassuring smile that Phil couldn’t help but mirror.

 

“Should I like… leave?” Dan asked. His tone was so hushed that Phil almost laughed in spite of the situation.

 

“No,” Phil shook his head, clearly taking Dan by surprise. “They already know you’re here.”

 

Phil ignored the creak of his bones as he rose to his feet – sleeping on the couch was a definite no-go for a while – and held his hand out to Dan. It was a weird turn around of how Dan usually was the one helping him off the ground.

 

“Guest room?” He asked, tightening his fingers around Phil’s hand before pulling away.

 

 

“Not tonight.”

 

* * *

 

 

Seeing Dan in the middle of his bedroom floor was dreamlike. It was far more surreal than it had been just to have him in the house. His all black outfit stood out against the bursts of color that littered Phil’s bedroom, but instead of looking out-of-place, it seemed to balance the room out.

 

 

“This is very…  you,” Dan said with a smirk. He paused in front of Phil’s bookshelf, casting a few glances at the framed photos and plush animals that sat there before he made his way to sit on the edge of Phil’s bed. “My room was the exact opposite of this.”

 

 

“Yeah?” Phil couldn’t help how interested he sounded. He was so intrigued by Dan’s past that he was willing to latch onto any bit of information that he put out there willingly – even if it was only about his bedroom.

 

 

Dan laughed, “Yeah, black and grey. A lot more organized than this mess.”

 

Phil rolled his eyes. The tone in Dan’s voice made it clear he was teasing, but Phil did make a mental note to clean up his room later – just in case.

 

“Hey, I’ve been busy this week. You can’t fault me for having a messy room.”

 

Now it was Dan who rolled his eyes, he patted the bed next to him, giving Phil a look to tell him to come and sit. He was commanding the space like it was his own room and Phil found that he didn’t really mind. It was ridiculous how hesitant Phil was to approach his own bed. It was just Dan. It wasn’t like this was going to lead to anything… probably. They had just been asleep on the couch together, sitting on a bed was innocent compared to that.

 

Flicking the lamp on that sat on his bedside table, Phil watched as the shadows morphed around the room. Dan had leaned his back against the wall, one ankle crossed over the other, and eyes locked on the back of Phil’s door. He looked pensive, lost in thought – a look Phil had come to know as normal for Dan.

 

 

“Penny for your thoughts?” Phil asked, hoping that whatever was on Dan’s mind wasn’t an ‘off limit’ topic.

 

 

“How about a quarter?”

 

 

Phil raised his eyebrow, clearly unimpressed by Dan’s attempt at a humorous subject change. Dan’s expression softened. His lips parted and Phil could almost hear the words on the tip of his tongue, before he snapped his mouth shut after letting out a heavy sigh.

 

 

“I like you,” He finally said. The words pierced through the air like an arrow straight to Phil’s heart and all he could do was nod dumbly.

 

They both had been fairly obvious with their feelings about each other, just never so bluntly in words. He wasn’t sure what he should say. Especially considering Dan was staring at him now, eyes narrowed into attentive slits, waiting for Phil’s reaction as if it were the next scene in a movie.

 

“I, well, I like you too. Obviously.”

 

“I was hoping you'd reject me,” Dan frowned. Phil immediately wanted to wipe it off his face. “You deserve better.”

 

It was a line out of every rom-com, every Young Adult love story. As cliché as it was, Dan held so much sincerity in his voice that Phil felt his throat clinch. He shouldn’t feel that way. No one should feel that way. But especially not Dan.

 

It was also the first time he had explicitly heard Dan speak down about himself in a serious way. Of course, in typical Dan fashion, there were always the self-deprecating comments – but they were always backed by a bit of humour. It evened out the darkness of his words. This? This was something else entirely.

 

Phil knew better than to try to argue, no matter how much he wanted to tell Dan he was wrong. Dan was especially stubborn in his thoughts. It was easier to get him to talk about them than it was to change his mind.

 

“Why?”

 

 

“I’m not a bad person,” Dan said abruptly. “I’m not, okay? I just need you to remember that.”

 

 

“You could never be a bad person in my eyes.”

 

 

“Even if I didn’t like Buffy?”

 

Phil was taken aback by the snort that followed Dan’s words. It completely dissolved the serious atmosphere brought on by the last thirty seconds of their conversation.

 

“That may be the only exception.”

 

 

Dan fell back on the bed, his head hitting Phil’s pillow and ruffling his already unruly curls. He turned to lay on his side, glancing up at Phil.

 

“Lucky for you, I like Buffy.”

 

 

Phil leaned back, mimicking how Dan was laying so they were face to face, “Yeah, lucky me.”

 

 

The duvet shifted as Dan shuffled closer. Neither said anything. It was like they didn’t need to. The silence was enough until Dan’s eyes fell shut. Phil watched as his breaths became heavy, his lips parting slightly as he curled into Phil’s chest.

 

“What are you hiding?” Phil mumbled, brushing a stray curl away from Dan’s forehead. He nearly jolted off the bed when Dan tilted his head to meet Phil’s gaze, eyes heavy with sleep but clearly awake.

 

“A lot of things I don’t want you to worry about,” He said.

 

Phil waited. He was so sure Dan would go on this time, that he would finally tell Phil something important about his past.

 

Dan shuffled up in the bed so he was leaning against on his elbow, propping himself up next to Phil. “You’re too important to get caught up in all my bullshit more than you already are.”

 

Phil sighed, “You’re too important for me not to.”

 

Judging from the onslaught of emotions that cycled across Dan's face, he clearly wasn't expecting that answer. For once, Dan seemed genuinely at a loss for words. There was no witty retort, no dismissive shrug, there wasn’t even the obscure subject changes that Dan usually opted for. He was just quiet aside from the sharp intake of breath that he had yet to release.

 

Without any warning, Dan reached over and cupped Phil’s face between his hands. Phil felt his own breath catch in his throat as Dan’s eyes dropped to his lips, subconsciously dragging his tongue across his own, before he gently pulled Phil towards him.

 

Then he kissed him.

 

It went gentle and sweet – everything that Phil had expected it to be. Plus, Dan tasted like cherries. Phil liked cherries and he liked Dan.

They had barely broken apart before their lips were together again. Phil wasn’t sure who moved first and honestly, he didn’t care. Dan’s fingers tangled themselves in the back of his hair, tugging softly at the dyed strands, while he clumsily tugged himself into Phil’s lap.

 

Phil found himself grabbing at the back of Dan’s shirt, bunching the fabric in between his fingers as he pulled Dan flush against his chest. He felt  _desperate_. Desperate for the attention, desperate for the outpouring of emotions he could feel flowing from Dan, desperate just for Dan.

 

It was clear Dan felt the same. A faint whimper passed his lips as Phil pulled away, the grip in his hair loosening, allowing his hands falling and rest around Phil’s shoulders.

 

“Wow,” Dan laughed breathlessly.

 

Phil could only hum in agreement, because, wow was right.

 

* * *

 

 

Phil had kissed Dan so much that even when his eyes fell shut and his brain was overtaken by dreams, still replayed images of Dan pressed against him. He loved the way Dan felt under his touch, how soft his skin was, the faint pink that spread across his face and flushed down to his collar bones, how incredibly responsive he was to  _everything_  Phil did.

 

He loved it and he never wanted to let Dan go.

 

He wasn’t sure when either of them dozed off, but the lack of warmth in the bed next to him as morning broke was enough to cause him to stir. Phil spread his fingers spread across the empty sheets, grasping for the person he already knew wasn’t there.

 

The sheets were cold – evidence enough that Dan had long since left the bed.

 

Of course he did, Phil thought, tugging his pillow over his face. He stifled a groan into the fabric before throwing it on the floor.

 

* * *

 

 

Phil sulked in his room until his mother forcefully banged on the wood of his door, startling out of his spiral of negative thoughts and back into his reality of negative situations. She didn’t wait for a reply before pushing the door open.

 

“Wake up, sleepyhead. You’ve been in bed all morning.”

 

“Yeah, well… I’m tired,” Phil turned away from the door, childishly pulling his duvet over his head. He didn’t even bother to peak out as the bed dipped where his mother sat.

 

 

“Philip, you can’t stay in bed all day. Dan already left and you didn’t even tell him goodbye.”

 

 

Now this was something Phil was willing to wake up for. Tossing the duvet towards the end of his bed, he frantically pulled himself to sit up.

 

 

“What?”

 

 

“He left a few hours ago. I made him a cup of coffee and then he went on his way to the docks. You know, I wouldn’t have minded if he slept in here. There was no need to cast him into the guest room.”

 

 

“ _What?_ ” Phil was confused. He could feel his jaw falling slack, evidence of how much this situation made no sense to him. His mother only laughed.

 

 

“Goodness, child. You really are tired,” She tipped her head towards the coffee mug she placed on his nightstand, “When you throw your sheets in the wash today, grab the ones from the other room, too.”

 

* * *

 

 

The mug in Phil’s hand barely registered as he lifted it towards his lips. Dan had left to sleep in the guest room? Why? Was he that worried about sleeping with Phil or was it because his parents were now home?

 

The whole situation was weird, slightly endearing amidst the questions, but still weird.

 

With a sigh, Phil shoved a pair off mismatched socks on his feet, patted his hair down a few times for good measure, and headed towards the guestroom.

 

When he stepped past the door, his eyebrow rose. The bed was made, almost too pristine for someone to have even slept in it, and sitting on top of the pillow was Phil’s house key. The same house key Dan had hooked on a silver chain the day he had given it to him. The chain caught the light from the window as it slipped over the edge of the pillow and Phil didn’t hesitate to snatch the key up.

 

He had left it on purpose.

 

There was no way Dan would have just left the key there after clearly spending so much time fixing the bed. But, why? Last night had seemed different. Like a step in the right direction and now Phil felt like he was back at square one.

 

Square one, with  _more_ questions than he thought were possible.

 

Phil snatched the pillow off the bed, taking his frustration out in the form of violently shaking it out of the pillow case. In the one swift motion it took to sweep the pillow off the bed, a ripped piece of paper fluttered to the floor and landed on top of Phil’s foot.

 

_‘Phil –_

_When I told you I didn’t want you to get caught up in all my bs, I meant it. I know you’re going to worry, but you need to try not to. You’ll understand soon._

_D ** Howell **x_

_Ps – I’ll be back for the key soon.’_

Phil stared at the note in his hand. The chicken scratch Dan called handwriting was nearly impossible to read, but there was one word he had clearly taken more time on that the others.

 

_Howell_.

 

It was clear as day, traced over so many times it was like the handwritten form of the bold font on a computer. Phil had always assumed Dan’s last name was Lee. Hence his pseudonym, James Lee. It all made sense in that context, so he’d never thought to even ask.

 

He’d never even considered the possibility that his last name was anything else.

 

And now that he knew it was, why was it so important? It was obvious that Dan had wanted that part to stand out. He spoke in riddles sometimes, cryptic metaphors that Phil sometimes wouldn’t get until days later. It was all part of the Dan Lee – Well, Dan Howell – enigma.

 

The paper crumpled in between Phil’s fingers, sheets long forgotten and cast aside on the floor.

 

Whatever hint Dan was leaving, Phil wasn’t going to waste it.

And this time around, Phil wouldn’t feel any guilt when he typed “Daniel Howell” into the search bar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty for reading! catch me on tumblr : heyitskxt.tumblr.com


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, i've been gone so long! depression is a b*tch and then hurricane florence decided it wanted to come a be a b*tch too. all good now though & i should start updating regularly again :)
> 
> hey-itskxt.tumblr.com

Phil almost wished he hadn’t searched for Dan. He almost wished he had balled up the note and pretended he hadn’t notice the not so subtle name dropping. But, he hadn’t. With shaky fingers, and all form of early bravado out the window, Phil had typed Daniel Howell into the search bar.

 

And there was a lot.

 

Just like James Lee, Daniel Howell seemed to be a fairly common name. Authors, a college professor, even a town politician. A lot of older men, but when it came to his Dan, there was nothing. Had Dan meant this to lead nowhere in the first place?  

Phil stared at his laptop screen for what felt like an eternity. Drumming his fingers across the keys, Phil sighed and added ‘photography’ after Dan’s name. He felt like he was on a wild goose chase, but that was on thing he was sure of. Dan loved pictures and Phil assumed he probably hadn’t always used a fake name.

 

Bingo.

 

The first three articles all had something to do with Dan. They were from his school’s website, crediting him for a yearbook photo, commenting on his award in a photography contest, and mentioning him in an article about school clubs.

It was basic and it answered absolutely NONE of Phil’s questions. But he devoured the information like his life depended on it. He relished in the pictures of Dan from his teenage years. The few sentences sprinkled through the articles about his ‘eye for detail’ and ‘natural talent’ made him feel oddly proud.

But, that wasn’t what he was looking for. Unless Dan ran back to his old high school to take some pictures again – which Phil was certain he did _not_ – Dan clearly had something else in mind for Phil to see. So, he clicked away from the school’s website and scrolled further down.

 

There was a number for a law firm – Howell and Barnes – below it an article talking about internships for the company. Dan was mentioned in the first paragraph alone.

 

 

_“[...] The internships were given to Daniel Howell (eldest son of James Howell, pictured below) and Jaime Carter (only child of Martha and George Carter, pictured below) […] ‘Howell and Carter both show tremendous potential in the world of Law,’ commented James Howell, ‘And I’m not biased just because one of them happens to be my son.’ […]”_

 

Law? That wasn’t like Dan at all. Phil could see Dan doing almost anything else in the world before he willingly stepped foot into a courtroom. Judging from the pictures below, Dan seemed just as unenthused as Phil thought he would be. The grimace on his face was far from his usual smile as he stood next to a man who was obviously his father. Instead of feeling proud, like he had from the first few articles, Phil felt… sad? He wasn’t sure. He was feeling quite a few emotions and none of them were good. He hated to see Dan look so visibly uncomfortable.

 

Phil scrolled through the rest of the article, skimming over anything that didn’t have to do with Dan. With a frown, he clicked away from the web page. He had gotten so absorbed in reading about Dan’s past, he had forgotten he was actually supposed to be looking for something. Phil doubted it was the photography articles and he doubted it had anything to do with the internship. Dan had secrets, that was obvious. But neither of those seemed to be relevant enough to have to leave Phil hints to find out.

 

Phil wished Dan would just be blunt for once. He wished he had left him a note that said “Hey, this is what’s going on and that’s that.” But, that wasn’t how Dan operated.

 

* * *

 

 

It was the last article on the search page.

Phil thought it should have been the first.

 

 

**_ Police investigating disappearance of two local teenagers. _ **

**__ **

_West County police are actively investigating the disappearance of two local teenagers. Daniel Howell (16) and Sierra Porter (16) were both confirmed to be missing at approximately 4:46 pm on Thursday evening._

_Howell’s father (James Howell of Howell and Barnes Law firm) told NBC-19 News that the last time he or his wife had seen Daniel was Monday morning before he left for school. Suspicion is being cast onto both parents for not reporting the disappearance sooner but they have declined to comment._ _According to police, Porter was reported missing Tuesday afternoon around 3 PM._

_Despite reports being made at different time points, police believe the disappearances are connected in some way._

_West County Police are actively searching for both missing teens and ask anyone with pertinent information to contact them via the links below._

 

** Missing/Runaway Juvenile – Case # A-56300 **

_Name: Daniel James Howell_

_Birthday: 6/11/1991_

_Age: 16_

_Gender: M_

_Height: 6’2_

_Eyes: Brown_

_Hair: Brown_

 

** Missing/Runaway Juvenile – Case # V-82704 **

_Name: Sierra Lee Porter_

_Birthday:  6/07/1991_

_Age: 16_

_Gender: F_

_Height: 5’5_

_Eyes: Green_

_Hair: Red_

 

Everything in Phil’s room faded away except for the missing poster that had loaded on his laptop screen. He felt like his stomach had dropped to the floor. Not just because Dan was an actual missing person, but because this same poster had hung in the diner years ago. There was no wonder his mother had recognized him! It was pinned to the back bulletin board and blatantly ignored by most everyone who worked there or even came in for a meal. Phil was sure he’d walked past it more times than he could count and barely gave it a second glance.

 

The Dan in the picture was different from his Dan. His curls were straightened into a neat fringe across his forehead, there was no earring in his ear. If Phil had to pick a word for it, he’d say Dan looked posh. The white button down was pressed to perfection and the red tie around his neck was positioned down the middle. Nothing was out of place.

 _  
_ His Dan would never dress like that. The smile on his face in the picture didn’t quite reach his eyes, which looked glossed over and distant. It was a look that Phil remembered. It was Dan’s ‘talking about his family’ look. The same apathetic expression always crossed his face at the mere mention of them, even through the fake smiles.

 

Phil had never seen the girl’s missing poster. Sierra Porter was only familiar to him one way. And that way was via Dan’s (or rather _James Lee_ ’s) photography blog. There was no denying the red waves that fell to her shoulders in picture on the poster belonged to the same girl with the heart shaped sunglasses on the blog.

 

Who was she? 

 

Phil had wanted answers and he had gotten them. But like always, he was left with just as many questions as before.

 

* * *

 

There were going to be tracks in his carpet if he didn’t stop pacing. But, Phil couldn’t help it.

 

After the first article, he’d fallen down the rabbit hole of his internet search page. He ended up watching interviews with Dan’s father. News reports about Dan and Sierra, their missing reports, anything he could find about the whole case flooded his search history.

Dan had been missing for, what, four years now? So had this Sierra girl – obviously. Gone without a trace from a town that was a mere four hours away from where Phil had lived his whole life. Four hours away!

 

The whole ordeal was too much for Phil to wrap his head around and he figured there were two ways he could look at it.

 

Dan could have been taken. He could have been kidnapped and dragged away, never to see his home again. But that didn’t explain why he never went back. Clearly, Dan was doing his own thing now, so one would think he’d go back to his town.

 

Or, Dan had run away with Sierra in tow. Phil couldn’t help how his mind automatically jumped to lovers instead of friends when he thought of them running away together. He could see Dan taking her by the hand and asking her to leave with him in the same gentle voice he’d used drunkenly on the beach when promising to take Phil anywhere he wanted to go. He could see the blush spreading across her face as she nodded and leaned down to kiss –

He stopped his train of thought. This was definitely not the time to be getting jealous over a girl he didn’t even know because of a situation his brain was making up. He needed to focus on the actual situation at hand.

 

 

Which was Dan.

It was always Dan.

 

 

Phil wasn’t sure what Dan had wanted him to do with this new information. He didn’t think that Dan would want anyone else to know, so telling people was clearly out of the question. He had left on his own free will (right?), so he wasn’t expecting Phil to come get him. Had he just wanted Phil to know? If so, why? It seemed so random for Dan to choose this moment to hand over this much of his life to Phil that he’d been so hesitant about sharing before –  without giving him any hint at what Phil was actually supposed to do with it.

 

 

A knock on his door interrupted his spiraling thoughts.

“Can you work today?” His mother asked, poking her head in the room.

 

It wasn’t a question. It never was. He wondered if she could see the stress plastered across his face and was choosing to actively ignore it or if she genuinely hadn’t noticed.

 

“Sure,” He nodded.

 

His mother left with a smile.

 

* * *

 

 

The café wasn’t busy. Which was good for Phil’s head.

 

The moment his foot hit the linoleum of the floor, Phil made his way to the bulletin board near the back corner. There were a lot of posters tacked onto the cork, advertising events and services, but no missing posters.

 

He wasn’t surprised. It had been four years after all.

 

* * *

 

 

It was PJ who broke Phil’s train of thought this time. He practically toppled over into the counter Phil was currently leaning on, out of breathe and, honestly, looking like a mess.

 

“Um, are you okay?” Phil wasn’t sure what to say. But, starting with the obvious seemed to be the right choice.

 

PJ nodded, “Yeah, I was just supposed to meet Dan here like an hour ago and I overslept. Has he been in yet?”

 

Phil could feel his face scrunching up before he could stop it. PJ obviously noticed. His head tipped to the side in a gesture that reminded Phil so much of Dan it almost hurt.

 

 

“He’s, er, not here.”

 

 

“Obviously,” PJ hopped onto the barstool. “Where’s he at?”

 

 

“I’m… not sure.”

 

They stared at each other, PJ’s expression growing more curious as each second passed.

 

And then Phil’s willpower broke entirely. Every thought that was in his head came pouring out his mouth leaving PJ staring at him wide eyed with his mouth slightly agape. It was like a damn had broken and now PJ knew just as much as Phil did.

 

 

“Wait, wait. Slow down. He’s missing?” PJ asked, shaking his head. “I don’t understand.”

 

 

“Me neither!” Phil flung his arms up in exasperation. “We had his missing poster in the café four years ago and I never noticed until he pretty much told me himself.”

 

 

“Huh,” PJ mused, catching his lip between his bottom teeth briefly. He was still shaking his head slowly, fingers drumming against the countertop rhythmically.

 

Abruptly, he stopped, looking up at Phil with no hint of doubt, “There’s no way he got kidnapped.”

 

* * *

 

 

PJ ended up in Phil’s bedroom later that night. Despite having only spoken in passing over the summer, they were now theorizing like they had known each other for years, bouncing their thoughts off one another without a hint of hesitation.

 

“West County is close. Like, take a bus there in a day close…” PJ started, his voice trailing off towards the end.

 

Phil, clearly missing the hint, just nodded before dropping his eyes back down to his laptop screen.

 

“Like _we_ could take a bus there in one day kind of close…”

 

 

“Yeah, we could. I mean it’s only a few hours. I – Oh.”

 

PJ was looking at him expectantly. His eyebrow lifted just the slightest bit, waiting.

 

“Do you think he’d go back there though?”

Closing his laptop, Phil stood up and walked towards the window. He stared out at the waves lapping over the shore, the stars littering the sky casting reflections across the top of the water. Would Dan go back? He and PJ had pretty much decided between themselves that he wasn’t kidnapped. So, if he ran away, there shouldn’t be any desire to go back.

 

But, Dan was an enigma. He’d known that since he slipped those sunglasses over his eyes and walked right into Phil’s life.

 

“You know him better than I do,” PJ shrugged.

 

Phil sighed, falling back onto his bed.

“That doesn’t say a lot.”

 

* * *

 

_Unknown Number: I hope you got the hint. Don’t tell anyone. I'll explain better when I'm back._   
_Unknown Number: Which I will be soon._   
_Unknown Number: And Phil?_   
_Unknown Number: Stop worrying. I can feel you all the way in W.C._


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw; abuse

In the end, PJ and Phil decided it was best not to follow Dan. They had no idea what they’d say when they found him or how they’d even explain their impulsive decision to go looking for him. There wasn’t a point to the whole thing.

It had only been a few days since Dan left anyway. He’d be back soon.

 

(He wasn’t.)

 

* * *

 

 

It had been 11 days.

 

264 hours.

 

And an odd number of minutes and seconds since Dan had left.

 

The text messages had stopped on the third day he was gone, leaving Phil with an empty promise of returning soon and words that were probably meant to be encouraging but only further lowered Phil’s spirit.

 

They reminded him of the things his parents would tell him before they gave him bad news, trying to soften the blow. Little phrases of positivity that seemed like they should be plastered on the wall of an elementary school classroom. They were so Dan and so not Dan all at the same time.

 

Phil could tell there was more he wanted to say. Dan was a man of many words – even his silence spoke volumes. Shorthanded texts just didn’t seem like his style. It didn’t really matter though since his phone had stopped lighting up with messages from unknown numbers.

 

There had been a storm the past few days, leaving the café empty and the sky shrouded with dark clouds. The rain matched Phil’s gloomy mood, but he did miss the hustle and bustle of the EBC. With only raindrops hitting the windows and no annoying groups of people to wait on, he was left with too much time to dwell in his own head.

 

He was avoiding things.

 

The café, Louise, his parents.

 

Phil knew he’d have to talk to his mother about the week they’d been away. Despite being back for over two weeks, they had only spoken of it a few times. Phil wasn’t sure how he had avoided the conversation. It was probably just a small streak of luck, but he couldn’t help crossing his fingers that maybe they’d just ask Louise. They trusted her opinion more than his most of the time anyway.

 

Thinking of Louise, Phil frowned. He’d been ignoring her, too. He never even responded to any of the missed texts or calls he had from the night he slept through work and she had heavily chastised him on their next shift together. He tried to play it off, but with every passing work day, Louise was only growing more suspicious. She was questioning about Dan, where he went, why he wasn’t around as much, and if Phil’s bad mood had anything to do with him – because if it did, she wouldn’t hesitate to ‘beat him up.’

 

It was a change of pace from their usual openness. But Phil couldn’t risk it. He’d already screwed up by telling PJ about Dan.

 

_‘Don’t tell anyone’_

 

Dan’s text flashed through his mind at the thought. What was he supposed to tell him when he came back? More than likely, PJ wasn’t going to drop it casually in a conversation. For all Phil knew, Dan may never even find out that anyone else was aware of his situation. Phil mentally toyed with the idea of just not saying anything. It felt like lying though and he felt the guilt brewing before he even had done anything.

 

* * *

 

 

The sand beneath his feet didn’t feel half as soft as it usually did. It was sticky and wet, the air heavy with the humidity that came after a rainfall. Yet he still found himself strolling down the shoreline, avoiding his house while absentmindedly kicking at the shells that littered the sand.

 

The thought of Dan coming back was filling him with apprehension. Usually the push and pull of the waves was enough white noise to atleast drown out his thoughts. Today, they just seemed as loud as the music that played through the speakers on bonfire nights. They were kind of doing what he wanted – filling his head with so much noise that his thoughts had nowhere else to go except to the back of his mind.

 

But, they still lingered.

 

When Dan came back, would they talk about this? They had to, right? This wasn’t just something that could get pushed aside in favor of small talk. Even if they never brought it up again, they both would know that the other was thinking about it. That would just make everything awkward and tense.

 

A heavy sigh passed Phil’s lips, fluttering the hair that had fallen into his face. Things had never been awkward with Dan and he didn’t want them to start now. Whatever his history was, Phil was really trying to not make any assumptions before he heard Dan’s side of it.

 

If he ever did.

 

* * *

 

 

A scattered assortment of glow in the dark stars glowed dimly against the paint on Phil’s ceiling. They were barely noticeable at all after having been there for so many years. He was in the process of wondering why he never took them down when there was a faint tapping at his window.

 

The wind always made the house creak. His father said it had something to do with the water damage and some other things Phil had never really listened to, so over the years he’d gotten used to it. The tapping continued though and Phil was growing increasingly aggravated. Disgruntled, Phil got off the bed and trudged to his desk to get his headphones when he looked outside.

 

He didn’t know whether his shock came from Dan sitting on the edge of his porch railing or the fact that he almost didn’t recognize that it was Dan due to the shadows that cast over his face, but he was practically tripping over his own two feet to get the window open.

 

“Hey,” Dan slid inside the window effortlessly, brushing past Phil and leaving a trail of a faint floral scent in his wake. “Remember how I said I didn’t like your wrap around porch? I changed my mind.”

 

Phil was frozen in the middle of his room, mouth open but no words coming out. He stared and stared and stared until he finally managed out a croaky ‘yeah’ and a laugh that didn’t fool either of them into believing it was real.

 

Dan had collapsed back onto Phil’s mattress, staring at the same stick on stars Phil had just been looking at moments ago. It was all so casual for him – like nothing had even happened, like he hadn’t just up and left, leaving Phil with a million questions and very few answers.

 

“I’m sorry,” Dan finally mumbled, turning his head to where Phil still stood on the carpet. He sat up, scooting back to lean against the pillows at the headboard. “I missed you.”

 

“I – “

 

Dan patted the bed next to him for Phil to sit. He did.

 

“I missed you too.”

 

A light weight hit Phil’s shoulder and he turned his head only to inhale a nose full on Dan’s curls. He smiled despite himself at the warmth of the situation.

 

“Dan?”

 

“Mm?”

 

“I – Er, we aren’t going to ignore it, are we?”

 

Dan surprisingly laughed, albeit a bit sadly.

 “We couldn’t even if I want to.”

 

* * *

 

 

The moon poured into Phil’s bedroom window, lighting up a circle on Phil’s carpet. Neither he nor Dan had moved, but no one had taken the initiative to start the conversation either. It was what Phil was afraid of – awkward.

 

Dan inhaled deeply, his body pressing firmly into Phil’s side. Phil wanted to pull him back when he started to sit up. He wanted him to stay.

 

But Dan already had his eyes locked on the other side of Phil’s room, dread flooding every inch of his body, “How much did you look into it?”

 

“Are you asking me how much do I know?” Phil asked.

 

Dan nodded, letting Phil go into a quick summary of everything he had seen online. By the time he was done, Dan’s lip was caught in between his teeth. His face held a mixture of amusement and sadness, swirled together in a way that felt oddly natural on him. Phil wasn’t sure that he liked it.

 

“Wow, you really went deep into Google, huh?” Dan laughed and shook his head. His hair flopped over his forehead and without thinking, Phil brushed the strands away.

 

Dan leaned into the touch, his cheek warm against the palm of Phil’s hand. All the tension spread through the muscles on his face melted away as he pressed a quick kiss to Phil’s palm before pulling back.

 

“Okay, I’ll just start at the beginning I guess.”

 

* * *

 

 

“I lived in West County my whole life. Picture your typical suburban family and that’s pretty much what we were. My father’s law firm started there and we just never left.”

 

Phil didn’t miss how Dan’s voice broke over the word father. Fighting against his natural instinct to question it, he simply nodded for Dan to continue.

 

“He – Well, he really had life plans for me. If you looked through my house – my old house – I’m pretty sure he has a color coded spreadsheet of how he wanted me to grow up. With notes and dates and everything. He was so set on me going to uni, starting law, getting married… The whole nine yards.”

 

Phil felt an odd flicker of sympathy in his chest – _relatable_ sympathy. While he had no doubts that Dan’s story was only going to go downhill from here, he knew how he felt. His parents had been planning his life since day one, too. It was something he very much could understand. Dan’s eyes seemed far away when Phil looked back towards his, they’d glazed over slightly – whether from the threat of tears or simply getting lost in thought – as he looked at the bedroom door. The mattress shifted as Phil moved and Dan flinched, shaking his head, and falling back into talking.

 

“It’s cliché, but I obviously had other plans. I didn’t want to be a lawyer. I mean, seriously, can you see me as a lawyer?" Dan scoffed. "No. Because it’d be horrible.”

 

* * *

 

_“Photography? Art? Daniel, you have to take things more seriously. You’re never going to be successful with a bullshit degree like that.”_

 

_Dan pulled away, leaning as far into the wooden hallway walls as he could. His father towered above him, a sneer on his face. He was either one second away from slapping him straight across the mouth or laughing._

 

_Maybe both._

 

_“But, I –“_

 

_“No,” His father spoke like it was final, shoving past Dan without a care in the world for his wellbeing. “We’re not talking about it again.”_

 

* * *

 

 

Phil tensed. He could already see where this story was going and he didn’t like it one bit. Dan looked like he was forcing his face to stay blank to save himself from the trouble of explaining his feelings, but Phil could feel the apprehension radiating off his body. Catching his eye, Phil’s lips quirked into a very faint, and hopefully reassuring smile, which Dan tried to mirror.

 

“For a while, I stopped pushing it,” Dan sighed, “I did all the high level classes at school. I even got an internship at his work. But, that was only because of him. I didn’t even apply.”

 

* * *

 

 

_“I didn’t want the internship in the first place! I didn’t even apply!”_

_Dan tried not to shout at his father very often. It never led to anything good. But there was something in him that had just snapped when he saw the acceptance letter on the counter._

 

_“Do I look like I care? You’re my son, everything you do reflects onto the family. So you’re going to do the internship whether you want to do it or not. Got it?”_

_“…No.”_

 

_Silence._

_The silence that fell over the room was suffocating. Dan could feel his anxiety kicking in already just from that combined with the look of rage forming on his father’s face._

_“What did you say?”_

_Dan felt his bravery falter, but he still managed to stammer out a quiet ‘no.’ The word had barely left his lips before his father’s fists were balled around the front of the button down he’d been forced to wear, pushing him back against the bedroom door._

_“You don’t get to say no to me,” He spat._

 

_Dan flinched away, eyes squeezing shut as if that would make everything stop. He knew what was coming next. So he braced himself and waited until the sound of his father’s footsteps were retreating down the hall before he let any tears fall._

 

* * *

 

If Dan had been looking at Phil, he would have seen nothing but unadulterated anger. He couldn’t imagine anyone hurting their own child, but to make matters worse, it was Dan. _His_ Dan. He already had guess where the story was leading, but hearing the words from Dan’s own mouth made him feel physically sick. His jaw was clenched so tightly it may as well have been wired shut. When Dan fell silent – more than likely waiting for Phil to say something – all he could do was grunt for him to go on.

 

“It wasn’t the first time he’d done it. I mean, he wasn’t a gentle guy to start with, but I think – Something about me just seemed to bring it out more. The fact I didn’t want to follow every detail of his little plan didn’t sit well with him.”

 

Dan paused, frowning down at the top of Phil’s bedsheets, twisting the fabric between his fingers. It was only when Dan looked back up, his face crestfallen and shoulders slumped, that Phil noticed how genuinely exhausted he looked.  His eyes were heavy, rimmed with dark circles, and thin lines that were streaking across his sclera – marking the pure white with the veins that lay underneath.  

 

“I was just never enough,” Dan finally said, in a voice so broken that Phil almost choked on his own reply.

 

“You are.”

 

Dan looked up at him in confusion, “What?”

 

“You are enough.”

 

Dan’s mouth opened slightly as if he wanted to say something – anything – but nothing seemed to be coming out. He stared at Phil, his eyes wide and overwhelmingly radiating nothing but adoration. Phil almost squirmed under his stare again, though this time, he didn’t necessarily mind. Dan finally clamped his mouth shut, his lips turning up into a small that actually made one of his dimples appear.

 

Somewhere in the middle of this, Dan had moved closer to where Phil sat – not that they were ever that far away in the first place. But now, the weight of Dan’s knee against his thigh was noticeable, his body heat was hitting Phil’s skin and filling him with a warmth he’d been missing the past 11 days.

 

It took a matter of seconds before Dan was completely in his personal space, his lips pressed against Phil’s so roughly that he found himself gasping against the chapped skin of Dan’s lips. When they broke apart, the rosey patch on Dan’s cheek had made an appearance. Phil traced his thumb over it.

 

“Thank you,” Dan exhaled slowly, letting his eyes fall shut as he leaned into Phil’s hand. He repeated it again more softly and Phil tugged him into his chest. There was more to talk about, but for now, he didn’t mind the silence.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw; abuse.

“That is kind of where Sierra comes into the picture.”

 

They were on the beach now. Dan had dozed off shortly after laying against Phil’s chest. It was short lived. The moment he woke back up, he yanked Phil up and out the house with him on the claims that _‘he’d fall asleep again if they kept laying there.’_

 

Phil was more than happy to oblige. It wasn’t their first beach walk in the middle of the night and he hoped it wouldn’t be their last. The moon reflected off the waves as they washed over shoreline. For a while, neither spoke. Phil just held Dan’s hand and waited.

The urge to starting throwing questions at Dan was overwhelming; Phil had to bite his tongue to keep himself from doing so **.** He wanted to know everything, but only at the pace Dan wanted to tell it.

 

 

“She lived down the street from me. We even went to the same school, but we’d never really talked. I probably would have never talked to her if she hadn’t started it. It’s kind of funny, really.”

Dan laughed. It wasn’t genuine and it wasn’t sad. Phil couldn’t place the emotion behind it at all.

“It’s my father’s fault we even spoke in the first place.”

 

* * *

 

 

_“Your dad’s a jerk.”_

_Dan snapped his head up from staring at the grass to be met with a head full of red hair looking down at him on the ground. He stuttered a few syllables out, caught completely off guard by this random girl and her extreme bluntness. How did she even know anything his Dad did to him in the first place?_

 

_“He fussed my mom out this morning for no reason when he was on the way to work. Like, who does that?”_

_‘Oh,’ Dan thought. ‘This has nothing to do with me.’_

_“Sorry. Bad morning, I guess.”_

_He went back to picking at the blades of grass, assuming (and hoping) that she’d go away._

_She didn’t. Instead, she sat down right on top of the grass he was pulling out of the ground._

_“Sierra Porter,” She stuck out her hand in a gesture that seemed weirdly formal. “Nice to meet ya.”_

_Dan stared at her hand blankly before giving her the most awkward handshake of his life._

_“Dan Howell.”_

* * *

 

 

“And then she just started showing up everywhere. She was just… always there,”. Phil didn’t miss the way Dan’s lips quirked up while he spoke, “I was so annoyed. I was too polite to tell her to fuck off though. So naturally, she became my best friend.”

 

* * *

 

_“You’re late again, Daniel,” Sierra sighed, nudging Dan’s shoulder with her own._

_Dan, indeed, had been late for his first class of the day. Coincidentally, it was the only class he shared with her. Sierra was slowly starting to come to the realization that Dan’s father wasn’t only a jerk to his neighbors. Somehow, she had managed to read in between the lines about his home life. It was the one thing she was never blunt about. She never directly asked him about it. Sierra showed her concern in the form of quiet ‘are you okay’s?’ and invitations to dinner at her house, through late night phone calls when Dan was on the verge of having another meltdown._

_He wasn’t sure how she always knew, but he’d never be able to thank her enough._

_She was staring at him now, the same questioning look she always wore whenever he was late. One day, Dan thought, he’d tell her about his dad. But today wasn’t that day._

_“Yeah, I just overslept,” He lied. “Again.”_

_“Wanna hang out after school?”_

_Dan had an internship meeting afterschool that he was dreading. It was the same stupid internship his father had cheated his way into getting for Dan, the one he adamantly refused to take part in. Knowing that, he nodded. There’d be hell to pay for missing it, but after the berating he’d gotten from his father this morning, it was the last thing he wanted to do._

 

-

  
_The walk back to his house after school was foreboding. Every cell in Dan’s body was shaking with the need to run away, to not walk into his house. But, he had to._

 

_Dan was met with a fist straight to his face before he even made it halfway through the door. He staggered back, tripping over his own two feet as they hit the wood panels of the front porch. He barely had a moment to register what was happening before a hand was around his arm and he was yanked back inside._

 

_“Care to explain why you decided to embarrass me and not show up for the meeting today?”_

 

_Dan’s head was still reeling from the force of the punch. He was seeing actual stars in his vision and whatever his father was saying wasn’t registering with him at all. He may as well have been speaking another language._

_It wasn’t new for his Dad to hit him, but he’d always hit below the neck. Easier to hide, no bad public appearance for anyone. It wouldn’t raise any suspicion._ _This was the first time he’d ever aimed for the face. It was the first time Dan, apparently, had made him angry enough to do so._

 

_“Are you even listening to me?” He growled, shoving Dan back against the wall he’d been pushed into many times before._

 

_Turning his head, Dan’s mother stood at the top of the stairs. She darted back into her room once they made eye contact. Dan had learned a long time ago not to expect her to help. She was going to pretend this wasn’t happening, like she always did._

 

_“S-Sorry,” Dan finally choked out, wriggling himself out of his father’s grasp. He bolted up the stairs of his house and slammed his bedroom door behind him, fumbling over the lock, before he curled up in bed._

 

_He was surprised his father hadn’t followed him. Their confrontations usually didn’t end with a ‘sorry.’ They usually ended with Dan groveling at his feet, practically begging for him to stop while his mother and brother pretended it wasn’t happening upstairs._

 

_It was an hour later when his mother knocked on his door. He didn’t open it._

_“Your father doesn’t want you to go to school tomorrow. We’ll get you a doctor’s note.”_

* * *

 

 

Phil was glad Dan seemed more interested in looking at the sand than him right now. He was seething and he knew his body language couldn’t hide it. It was the same burst of protectiveness he’d felt when Dan first brought up that haunted island – the worry, the anxiety, the need to make sure he didn’t get hurt. Except this time it was magnified. He wanted to go back in time and pull Dan straight out of his house so he never had to experience any   of it.

 

“Are you okay?”

Dan’s voice broke through his thoughts like a sledgehammer. He hadn’t even realized that he’d stopped talking.

 

“I feel like I should be asking you that,” Phil chuckled humorlessly.

 

“I’ve already had years to deal with it. I’m the one who dragged you into all this.”

 

Dan’s hair fell in his face as he looked down. Phil didn’t even have to look at him to know he was frowning.

 

“You didn’t drag. I’m here willingly.”

 

* * *

_A knocking on Dan’s window caught his attention._

 

_The bruise on his cheek was purple and ugly, taking up most of the side of his face. He’d covered the mirror in his room to avoid looking at it. It was just another reminder of what had happened the night before._

_He knew it was Sierra before he even made it to the window sill. She was the only person Dan knew who would stand under someone’s window and through pebbles at it like some cheesy 90’s romcom._

 

_A part of him hesitated. Sierra’s suspicions would be confirmed when she saw his face. He couldn’t lie his way out of it and he wasn’t sure it was something he wanted her to know. The knocking grew persistent though, telling Dan that she clearly wasn’t going to leave._

 

_Pushing the window up just slightly, Dan leaned out to look down. Sierra was standing below him with her hair pulled in a messy bun and mascara tracks down her face.  Apparently he wasn’t the only one having a tough time._

 

_Her dejected expression quickly turned to astonishment, eyes widening the moment she saw Dan’s face._

 

_“Come down,” She whisper-shouted, desperation seeping into her words._

 

_And how was Dan supposed to say no to that?_

 

_Sneaking down the stairs, silently pleading that the creaking of the wood wasn’t filtering down the halls, Dan made his way outside._

 

_Unlike when he had come home to be met with violence, Sierra was already on his porch wrapping her arms around him before he’d even shut the door behind him._

 

_“I hate it here,” Sierra sighed against the fabric of Dan’s shirt. “I really, really hate it here.”_  
  


 

_Dan did, too._

 

* * *

 

 

Dan was getting choked up. Phil could hear it in every syllable that broke on the tip of his tongue, the way his words seemed forced to come out. It was like he was physically in pain to even say them at all. 

They were far from the boardwalk by the time Dan stopped walking. He dug his toes in the sand, chewing his bottom lip so hard that Phil worried it might start to bleed. Phil wished he would look at him. Dan’s eyes held so much emotion – they gave away everything he wanted to hide. Every hint of sadness, every flicker of anger, all of it was told through his eyes. Phil needed him to look. He wanted to know Dan – every last part of him, from the good to the bad.

 

“I can feel you thinking,” Dan said abruptly causing Phil to jump.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“Don’t be. What’re you thinking about?”

 

 

Phil hesitated when he met Dan’s gaze, “You. This. I don’t want you to tell me anything you don’t want me too, but I –“

 

“Phil, trust me, I really don’t want to tell you any of this,” Dan interrupted, shaking his head. He huffed, a failed attempt at faking a laugh.

 

“Then – “

 

Dan shook his head, interrupting him again, “I need to. You have a right to know.”

 

* * *

 

_Sierra had tipped her head against Dan’s shoulder as they sat under the huge oak tree in her back yard. Dan had wiped her mascara away with them hem of her shirt and she’s told him what he missed at school that day. They were both ignoring the bruise on Dan’s face now. After Dan’s emotional shut down the first time she’d mentioned it that night, it had been like walking on ice around the subject._

 

_“Have you ever thought about just, like, leaving here one day?”_

 

_Dan hummed, nearly shrugging before he decided against jostling her, “I mean, yeah. I’ll graduate one day and I don’t want to work for my dad. So probably. I – “_

 

_“No, not like that. I mean like now. Where would you go if you left West County now?”_

_This time Dan did shift, dislodging Sierra from his shoulder to look at her with a furrowed brow. He didn’t say anything for a moment, running through his options in his mind. If he were to leave, he wasn’t sure where he’d go. He’d never considered it enough to make a plan – it was just wishful thinking._

 

_“Somewhere far away,” He finally replied._

 

_Sierra had smiled, nodding her head._

_“Same.”_

* * *

 

 

“It was just wishful thinking to me,” Dan exhaled slowly. “But, it wasn’t too her. By the next time I saw her, she had this whole plan of how we were going to go and where. When was the best time to leave. I was so overwhelmed.”

 

* * *

 

 

_“Si, I didn’t think you were serious!”_

 

_“Dan, come on, look at it! It’s planned out perfectly. It’ll work. We can actually do this.”_

 

_She’d taken to shaking Dan’s shoulders now, jostling him around as she only grew more and more excited over the prospect of getting out of West County. Dan only felt dread. He looked over her shoulder at the back of his house._

 

_White shutters, brick, a garden around the side. The unused playground that sat pristinely in the back yard. It was like a picture – a set. Everything was in it’s place and the only thing ruining it was Dan, himself._

 

_Sierra hadn’t stopped talking. When Dan finally zoned back in to the conversation, she was talking about money._

_“…. Not too much, ya’know? But enough.”_

_Dan’s mother moved in the kitchen window. She had an apron tied around her waist, her hair pulled into a high ponytail as she stirred something in a pot on the stove. His brother sat at the kitchen table, eyes boring into the paper he was scribbling across. Where would Dan be in that picture? He was so out of place._

_“I can get money.”_

 

* * *

 

“It was the most impulsive thing I’d ever done in my entire life and I really was going to back out of it until my father laid into me that night. I don’t even remember what he was mad about. I just remember thinking about the fact I was leaving.”

 

* * *

 

_There was a lockbox in his father’s office. It was shiny and silver, brand new, with an equally shiny silver key Dan had seen tucked away in his father’s office. Dan only knew it was there because he’d been home the day his father had bought it. He’d lugged it into the house, past Dan’s bedroom, and into the office._

 

_The only reason Dan knew what was inside was because of eavesdropping._

 

_It was money. But, legally, it didn’t belong to the Howell’s at all. His dad was a fraud. He was scamming people out of thousands of dollars. If Dan hadn’t had a reason to hate the man, he surely did now._

 

_The house was empty on Saturday night. Both his parents going to something at his father’s firm and his brother was going out. He’d do it then._

* * *

 

 

“You didn’t,” Phil cut in. “Dan...”

 

Phil was torn between relief that Dan had formed some sort of plan to escape his life and horror that he stole money that had only been gained through a scam. He could tell by Dan’s expression that he felt guilty. He didn’t even need to answer Phil out loud for him to know he’d stolen it.

 

“I was sixteen. I don’t think my judgement was the best,” He lowered his eyes back to the water, letting the waves rush overtop his feet. “But, it happened and there’s nothing I can do about it now, ya know?”

 

* * *

 

 

_“Is it enough?”_

_Dan grinned, “It’s more than enough.”_

_It seemed surreal that this plan they made on a whim was actually about to happen. In a few days, Dan would be out of West County and he’d hopefully never have to come back. The only hint of resignation Dan had about the whole thing was Sierra. He still wasn’t sure what he motives for leaving were. As far as he knew, her home life wasn’t terrible. Though, looks could be deceiving, he supposed._

 

_“Are you sure you want to do this, Si? You know we can’t back out of it once we go, right?”_

_Sierra laughed, light and airy without a care in the world. With a quick ruffle of Dan’s hair, she nodded._

_“Of course I want to do it. It was my idea.”_

* * *

 

 

“So, that was it? You just… left?” Phil asked.

 

“I mean, that makes it sound boring, but yeah. I got the money, she packed the bags, and we left. We didn’t leave the country for a while – passports and stuff were hard to get when your names are on a list of missing persons – but we did get as far away as we could.”

 

There was a shift in the way Dan was telling the story now. His resignation from before had faded into a fond reminiscence. He seemed happy to be able to talk about it, happy that Phil was the one he was telling. The prominent frown on his face from the first bit was gone, replaced with a half smile of nostalgia. Phil wanted nothing more than to know everything. He wanted to know every last detail of the story – barring the money part; something about that just made him nervous to know.

 

“Where’d you go first?”

 

“It’s going to sound cliché,” Dan laughed. “But, the mountains.”

 

* * *

 

 

_“Have you even been camping in your whole life?”_

 

_“Nope,” Popping the p, Sierra shrugged. “Besides, this isn’t even camping. We’re kind of just… sleeping outside?”_

_“That’s worse!” Dan protested._

_They’d used some of the money to take a bus as far away from West County as they could go in a day. There were plenty of better options – in Dan’s opinion – to stop along the way, but Sierra has insisted they keep going until the sun was about to set. Now, Dan was standing in the middle of a sea of trees that loomed overhead and was having sincere second thoughts about this whole thing._

_“Look, it’s only for tonight. We’ll figure it out, yeah?”_

 

* * *

 

“And we did figure it out… Eventually. We traveled around together, got fake passports and ID’s, the whole nine yards. It honestly felt like a movie. But, we did it. She bought me a camera – you know, the one with the pin you asked about? – and I started taking pictures again. Started posting them online. I’ll have to show you that sometime.”

 

Phil felt the heat of embarrassment creeping it’s way up his neck and onto his cheeks.

 

“What?” Dan tipped his head. “What’s wrong?”

 

“Um, I may have already seen it?”

 

Phil barely finished his sentence before a burst of laughter erupted from Dan’s chest, “Of course you have. I should have guessed with how deep you looked into everything else.”

 

“Oi…”

 

“S’alright. I think it’s kind of cute that you were so interested,” Dan teased, giving Phil a quick poke on the end of his nose before dropping to sit on the ground.

 

He tipped his head up, casting a glance at Phil that made his heart flip, before he looked up at the sky.

 

“Can I be pretentious for a second?”

 

“You’re always pretentious.”

 

“Ha. Ha. Ha.” Dan rolled his eyes. “Very funny.”

 

“Permission to be pretentious granted,” Phil giggled, bumping into Dan as he failed to sit down gracefully.

 

“Do you like stars?”

 

Phil nodded.

 

“I do too. I like that they’re…” Dan trailed off. Phil could practically feel him fishing around in his brain for the right words to say. “… Consistent. After Si and I left, there was no real consistency. We stayed in one place long enough to get comfortable and then we were on to the next one. She didn’t like to sit still. I just like knowing that the stars were always there, whether I was in Kenya or on the beach with you, they were going to be there after it got dark. They were always there on bad nights with my dad and they were always there on the good ones too. I dunno, they just make me feel…”

 

 

“Safe,” Phil interjected. “They make you feel safe.”

 

Dan smiled, turning his head to look at Phil, “Yeah, they make me feel safe.”


	14. Chapter 14

“I really did miss you.”

 

If Dan had spoken any softer his words would have washed away along with the waves. He turned to Phil, a small smile playing over his lips that Phil couldn’t help but mirror. It was nice to have Dan back by his side again – though ‘nice’ didn’t seem to hold the same amount of emotion that Phil wanted to express.

 

“I’d been traveling alone for a while before I came here, you know,” Dan started. “I wasn’t even planning on staying here longer than a few days.”

 

 

“Then why’d you stay?” Phil already knew the answer, he just wanted to hear Dan say it. Dan rolled his eyes, shoving his shoulder lightly into Phil’s.

 

 

“You already know, Lester.”

 

 

Phil chuckled to himself, not missing the glance Dan sent him out of the corner of his eye. He loved this. He hadn’t felt more at ease in a long time. Even with the harrowing details of Dan’s life weighing on his mind, there was nowhere else he’d rather be.

It was in this moment that Phil realized the only time he’d felt at ease was with Dan. In moments like this, there was some kind of aura surrounding him that drew Phil in. It eased his mind to be with Dan like nothing else had in a long time.

 

 

“I went back home, by the way,” Dan cut through the quiet, turning to look at Phil. “Not home-home, but West County. I figured you already knew that, but just in case you were a bit dense, I thought I’d tell you.”

 

 

“Why’d you go back?”

 

 

Dan sighed wistfully, leaning back to lie against the sand. Phil followed his lead and was surprised to feel Dan’s hand wrap around his gently, “Do you want the long story or the short story?”

 

 

“I like hearing you talk.”

 

 

“Long story, it is,” Dan smiled up towards the sky, “It’s because of Sierra, mostly. We split up – literally, not a break up   or anything – and we set a date to meet and just… I don’t know. It’s kind of stupid, if you want me to be honest.”

 

* * *

 

 

_“You’re staying?”_

 

_Dan frowned. He couldn’t help but frown. He and Sierra had been in this together from the start and now she was abandoning him for some girl she’d met on an island? He had half a mind to be offended that he was that disposable._

_The logical side of his brain was telling him to shut up. He’d seen the way Sierra had watched her since the day they got here. The longing looks, the nervous introduction – Dan knew a crush when he saw one. And he knew when a crush grew to something more._

 

_Like it had for Sierra._

 

_In all honesty, he should have expected her to want to stay with Leah. He should have known from the moment she started sneaking off in the middle of the night with her._

 

_“Dan,” Now Sierra was frowning. “I need this. I love it here. I’ve never felt more at…”_

 

_“Home,” Dan broke her sentence off. “You feel at home.”_

_She nodded, glancing towards the trees that lined the edge of the forest behind them. Dan sighed. He couldn’t be upset with her about this. This is what Sierra had been in it for. She was a free spirit and for her to find somewhere she wanted to stay with someone she wanted to stay with? Well, that’s what Dan felt like she was looking for this whole time – to find somewhere she belonged._

_“I’m going to miss you,” He admitted, hoping she didn’t notice the break in his voice._

 

_(She did.)_

 

_“I’m gonna miss you, too.”_

 

_Then, he lost it. Dan wasn’t expecting to have a full blown meltdown on the shore of an island he couldn’t even remember the name of, but here he was, crying like a baby in Sierra’s arms while she shushed him softly. It was almost funny._

 

_“I don’t know what to by myself, Si, I really don’t.”_

 

_Sierra carded her fingers through Dan’s salt coated curls, brushing them away from his forehead in a gesture that oddly reminded Dan of his mother._

 

_“You’ve spent your whole life trying to please other people, Dan. Even when we first left, you followed me. You did what I wanted.”_

 

_“But –“_

 

_“No, let me finish. This is your time now. It’s your time to find yourself, to go where you want, do what you want to do. No one can tell you no anymore, Dan. You’re in control. For once in your life, you are.”_

 

_Dan exhaled, not realizing the breath he’d been holding since she started talking. The sun was beating down on them as they sat in contemplative silence, only the sound of waves and Dan’s uneven breathing filling the air between them. He squinted as he looked over the waves and towards the horizon, nearly blinded by the sun until Sierra slipped her sunglasses over his eyes and onto the bridge of his nose – the same heart shaped ones she’d gotten from a rest stop gas station the first week they’d left. Dan had teased her about them relentlessly, especially when she ended up with a sunglasses tan the shape of hearts surrounding both eyes. He’d thought they were tacky. Plastic and bright red, but she’d insisted on buying them. So, they had._

 

_Now instead of plastic, they felt like so much more._

 

_“This isn’t the last time I’m going to see you, right?” Dan asked, surprised when Sierra burst into laughter._

_“Of course not, you idiot. You think after all this I’d just up and disappear on you? No way. You couldn’t get rid of me when we first met and you sure as hell can’t get rid of me now.”_

* * *

“We stayed on the beach all day. I got a fuckin’ horrible sunburn,” Dan let out a laugh. “It was just such a weird thing for me, ya’know? I’d been with her for a long time and now all of a sudden, I was just going to be alone. And I had to make my own decisions – which were arguably bad for a long time, t b h.”

 

Phil nodded. That didn’t surprise him at all. Dan dropped Phil’s hand from his own, balling his fingers into the sand like a stress ball. Phil’s gaze drifted to his hand, watching as it coiled around a fistful of sand before letting the grains slip between his fingers. He was thinking again. It was always obvious when he started thinking.

 

Phil never interrupted. He never wanted to.

 

Abruptly, Dan shook his head.

 

“But, like I said, that day we set a date to meet back there the next year. The only place we felt comfortable enough to find each other was West County, so that’s where we agreed on.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

_“That’s such a bad idea.”_

_He shouldn’t be complaining. It wasn’t like he had offered any better ideas. But Sierra’s plan of meeting back at West County? Yeah, that was probably the worst idea he’d ever heard. She was clearly drunk. Dan couldn’t help but scowl as he looked down at her, rolling his eyes at the drink in her hand. To be fair – he had one too and it was good. But, still..._

_Her eyes had fallen shut, head resting against the bark of the tree she sat under. He could faintly hear Leah somewhere nearby, talking to someone else. It didn’t escape Dan’s attention that Sierra’s lips quirked everytime she heard her laugh. She looked so content that Dan nearly felt bad about ruining it._

 

_Nearly._

_“You do realize there’s a chance someone will see us, right? They could easily see both of us and then we’re just fucked.”_

 

_“You’re fucked, really,” Sierra shrugged. “I wasn’t the one who stole the money.”_

 

_Dan could feel his mouth drop, jaw falling slack on its’ own accord. He stammered out a jumble of syllables that somehow conveyed his annoyance and Sierra just sighed._

 

_“I’m kidding. You know I’d never let you take the fall for that alone if it came down to it – which it won’t. You’re just overthinking it, like you always do. Fuck West County. We can just meet on the outskirts. Near that ugly town sign. No one says we have to stay there.”_

 

_“Fine,” Dan reluctantly agreed. “I guess I can live with that.”_

 

_The quiet that fell between them was tense. Sierra finally squinted one eye open, her lips curving down when she saw Dan’s face._

 

_“You can stay,” She offered. “No one is making you leave.”_

 

_“I know that. I just – It’s not – I don’t think I’m much of an island person.”_

_Shaking her head, Dan watched the salt water roll off the ends of her hair and down her chest, soaking into the fabric of her tank top. She was so unbothered here, so calm. How could he explain to her that’s what he wanted and it wasn’t here?_

 

_Dan sighed, “I want – “ He gestured aimlessly down towards her. “ – to feel like that. I want to find a place where I can feel like you feel now.”_

 

_“It’s not the place,” Sierra cut in. “It’s Leah. I could be in the middle of the desert and I’d still feel like this if that’s where she was.” There was pause, before she giggled under her breath. “Though, I’m definitely not complaining about staying on an island.”_

 

_Despite himself, Dan felt his lips turn up into a smile. Maybe Sierra’s positivity was rubbing off on him – or maybe he was just drunk, too. He couldn’t tell. But, for the time being, he was going to allow himself to relish in the fact his best friend had found what she wanted. And tomorrow, when he had to leave and figure out what the hell he was going to do? Well, he’d just worry about that then._

* * *

 

“Then we just split up. I took a boat back to the land and tried to find my ‘inner peace.’” Dan snorted. “That’s just as pretentious as it sounds.”

 

 

“How’d that go?” Phil turned his head to look at Dan, feeling the sand press into his cheek.

 

 

“It took a while, but I found you, didn’t I?”

 

Phil inhaled sharply, breathing in a mouthful of sand. That wasn’t the answer he was expecting and now he was having a coughing fit instead of saying anything back.

 

 

“You okay, Philly?” Dan snickered.

 

 

Choking out a fractured, “yeah”, Phil sat up and rolled his eyes, “Thanks for the help.”

 

 

“Anytime,” Dan grinned again, dimples caving in both cheeks.

 

His grin slowly fell to a faint smile, eyes trained on Phil’s and hand now resting on his knee.

 

 

“It really is you,” Dan mumbled, looking away. “I just – I get it now.”

 

 

“Get what?” Phil all but whispered. His voice felt like it could fail him at any second.

 

 

“How Sierra felt. I really get it now.”

 

 

Phil felt all the wind knocked out of him at once. This time his sharp inhale was nothing but the salt in the air. The breeze rustled Dan’s curls across his skin and the moonlight fell across his face like it was meant to be there.

 

“Yeah?”  

 

 

Dan turned back to him. His eyes were dark with emotions that Phil couldn’t even begin to comprehend.

“I’d stay here for you,” Dan spoke softly. He shifted so he was facing Phil, their knees touching. “If you wanted me to.”

 

 

“You know I don’t want to stay here.”

 

Dan leaned forward and Phil expected to feel Dan’s lips against his own. Instead, he felt the light weight of Dan’s forehead resting against his own.

 

 

“I wasn’t just drunk when I told you to come with me.”

 

 

Phil surged forward, tackling Dan back into the sand with their lips connected. Dan let out a surprised breathe as he hit the ground, scrambling to grab hold on Phil’s shirt.

 

“I – “

 

Phil cut off whatever Dan was about to say with his lips. The words were mumbled against him, absorbed into the kiss. Neither seemed to care about the lost conversation. They didn’t care about the sand digging into their skin or the sun that slowly starting creep up over the horizon. They didn’t care that Phil was supposed to work in a few hours and they most definitely didn’t care that people would surely be taking their morning walks on the beach soon.

Right now, they were both too wrapped up in each other to care about anything other than that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey-itskxt.tumblr.com
> 
> <3


	15. Chapter 15

The sensible thing to do would have been to say no. Phil could have easily shook his head, letting the one syllable fall off his tongue and let Dan run off on his own.

 

But, Dan? Well, Dan made him do things that weren’t sensible.

 

“Come with me tonight,” Dan had uttered against Phil’s lips. “To the island.”

 

And Phil didn’t have it in himself to say no. Dan giggled, resting his forehead in the crook of Phil’s neck

 

“Who else is going to protect me from all the spirits and stuff?”

 

 

Dan was joking. He was obviously joking. But Phil had learned quickly that Dan hid a lot of his insecurities behind dark humor and self deprecation. He felt a swell of pride that Dan wanted his protection in the first place – protection he was more than happy to provide – even if he was too stubborn to actually admit it outloud.

He fought the smile off his lips, letting his gaze dart out towards the ocean. His hesitance must have shown because it took a matter of seconds for Dan go rigid in his arms.

 

 

“You don’t have too,” He started, biting his lip. “Just…  a suggestion?”

 

“I’ll come.”

 

“You will?”

 

 

Phil nodded, “Of course.”

 

* * *

 

 

Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to agree so hastily. Curse Dan and his constant ability to make Phil not think straight. The mere thought of putting one foot on the shore of that haunted island sent a chill down his spine and turned his blood to ice.

 

Plus, he was supposed to be at work.

(Sort of.)

 

It had always been the plan to discuss ‘future of the East Beach Café’ with his parents and this was the week. The week they’d been waiting for for so long. They had spent the past seven days gathering the paperwork Phil would need over the next few years before he was able to run the café on his own. Deep down, he felt slightly guilty that he was about to ditch them without a word. This wasn’t just a family dinner. This was something his parents had been planning since he was born and now he was just going to abandon it.

 

Dan told him it was alright. He spent most of the sunrise whispering reassurance into Phil’s ear and promises that he didn’t have to go. Dan made it sound so easy – to just get up and leave, to not look back. Objectively, Phil knew it wasn’t. It was only easy for Dan now because he’d been doing it for so many years.

Just from hearing Dan’s story alone, he knew his first steps out of West County weren’t easy ones. So, why was Phil expecting it to be different for his own?

 

Phil knew he was going to do it. He knew he was going to leave with Dan tonight and he was going to face his parents when he came back. There was no question about it. But that still didn’t stifle the thrum of anxiety in his head. He wasn’t even leaving for a long time. He was only leaving for one night. What happened when Dan really left? Was Phil ever going be ready for that?

 

* * *

 

 

“You don’t have to,” Dan frowned as he took a quick glance over Phil.

 

This was the third time Dan had tried to give Phil an out. And it was the third time Phil had rejected it.

He was shaking – and it wasn’t from fear of the island. It took Dan no time at all to pick up that he was still anxious about this whole thing. Luckily, PJ was far too distracted getting everything ready to pay any mind to his passengers.

 

“I know I don’t have to,” Phil sighed. “But, I am.”

 

Dan hesitated, eyes darting between the boat and Phil in a rare display of uncertainty, before he nodded and looped his hand through Phil’s. In a split second, it was like all Dan’s hesitancy had been replaced with a bundle of nervous excitement. He was practically dragging Phil towards the water.

Phil stumbled along behind him, casting an occasional glance over his shoulder. He couldn’t see his house or the café or anything really from where they were, but there was something significant about looking back.

 

One day he would actually be looking back – when he left with Dan.

 

There wasn’t any real question in his mind. If Dan asked him to jump, he’d ask how high. If Dan asked him to skip an important family meeting and go to a creepy island with him – Well, Phil was here, wasn’t he? So, really, there wasn’t a shred of doubt in his mind about if he’d go with Dan if he asked. It would just be a matter of when.

  
Phil hadn’t even realized PJ was talking to him until he noticed two sets of eyes scrutinizing his silence.

 

“What?”

 

“Do you want a lifejacket or…?” PJ questioned.

 

Dan gave his hand a gentle squeeze, a silent form of comfort, before he let his fingers slip away and hopped the side of the boat.

 

“I’m livin’ life on the edge. We’re already going to get attacked by ghosts, why bother with a lifejacket?”

 

 

Phil huffed out a nervous laugh, following Dan into the boat.

 

 

“Alright,” PJ shrugged. “I’ll take that as a no from both of you.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Phil watched Dan as he fidgeted with the straps of a bag sitting on the floor of the boat. His fingers pulled at the fabric, picking at the frayed edges, as the breeze brushed his hair away from his forehead. It was disappointing that Dan was a photographer and not the subject of the photographs himself. The way he looked in this moment was almost painful. It made Phil’s heart clench with a burst of fondness as his fingers fumbled to find Dan’s hand on the seat. Dan looked at him curiously as their fingers touched, shaking his head as a smile slowly unfurled on his lips.

 

There was an eerie sense of calm lowering over them the further away from the shore they got. Dan hadn’t looked back once. His gaze was steady, held forward with intensity that Phil envied.

 

Phil, on the other hand, had looked back too many times. In fact, he was still looking back. He wished he could be so content on focusing forward, with little care of what was behind. But, his brain didn’t seem to like that idea. His brain was focusing on the little lights in the distance. One of those was his parents, waiting for him to come back – to discuss the plans they’d had since he was a child.

 

PJ interrupted his thoughts, making Phil jolt.

 

“I don’t want to stay. But, I will if you really want me too.”

 

Before Phil could say anything contrary, Dan was shaking his head, “Nah, mate. Just don’t forget to come get us in the morning.”

 

PJ grinned, shrugging his shoulders loosely.

“No promises.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

They arrived to the island much faster than Phil had expected. He had been so absorbed in his own thoughts he hadn’t even noticed that Dan had jumped over the side of the boat. He vaguely heard the splash and the sound of someone sloshing through the break but he didn’t fully register they had gotten there until Dan jammed a finger gently into his cheek.

 

“You okay?” He questioned softly, letting his finger fall away.

 

Phil nodded, but even he knew it was obvious he wasn’t sure. With a sigh, Dan slung the backpack over his shoulder and held out his free hand for Phil to take.

 

PJ left. He left them on the shore of an island they wouldn’t be able to leave until the morning and the internal panic Phil was feeling was starting to become more external. Dan had already linked their hands together, giving Phil the occasional comforting squeeze to let him know it was okay. They were okay. Everything was going to be okay.

 

But it wasn’t the island – potentially haunted or not – that was really causing him to worry.

 

Despite Dan being the comforter in this whole situation, Phil had noticed his shift in attitude once PJ had gone back to shore. He seemed more contemplative. The silence that lingered between them was far from awkward, but he had expected Dan to be filling it with something. _._

_Anything_

 

But he wasn’t. The sound of waves lapping against the shore, the occasional call of a bird or some kind of animal, and the faint rustling of the leaves around them was all the sound that filtered into Phil’s ears. Dan halted to a stop and Phil had to trip over his own two feet to avoid crashing into him. Letting go of Phil’s hand without a word, Dan rummaged around in the backpack before lying on the ground and pulling the camera to his eye.

 

“S’nice out here,” He commented, the sound of the camera shutter not far after.

 

The sound of his voice filled Phil with instant solace. He nodded, lowering himself onto the ground right next to where Dan lay. He looked up and wondered how different all of this looked through a lens. When he finally glanced back towards Dan, he was surprised to find his gaze already on his – eyebrows furrowed and camera resting on his chest.

 

 

“What?” Phil choked out, squirming under the intensity of Dan’s stare.

 

Dan hummed softly, before pulling the camera back to his eye and snapping a picture of Phil.  A smile played at the corners of his lips before it melted away into something far more serious. With a shake of his head, Dan hopped to his feet and held a hand out to Phil.

 

“Come on, let’s find some ghosts.”

 

Phil was baffled by how quickly Dan’s expression had changed. He hadn’t seen such a serious look on his face since he was told about his past. But, he seemed content to brush whatever was on his mind away. So Phil followed his lead. He took Dan’s hand, interlocking their fingers before Dan had a chance to pull away. He saw Dan’s eyes fall to their hands before roaming back up to Phil.

 

 

“You aren’t freaking out.”

 

“Only on the inside.”

 

“Me,” Dan snorted. “All the time.”

 

* * *

 

 

The moon was high, letting its light fall through the leaves of the trees and light up the sandy path he and Dan were following. Dan insisted they go deeper into the wood on the basis of ‘because…ghosts.’ Phil thought it was an absolutely ridiculous reason, but they hadn’t come out all this way to just stare at the ocean.

 

(Not that he’d complain if they did.)

 

Dan’s camera still hung around his neck, but it hadn’t been used since Dan took the first picture of Phil. His mind was wandering. Phil could tell it from the look in his eyes, the way his shoulders had tensed. It was strange.

 

“No pictures tonight?”

 

Dan glanced over his shoulder, eyebrows scrunched together. “Huh?”

 

“Weren’t you supposed to be taking pictures?”

 

“Oh,” Dan mumbled, fiddling with the camera strap. “Yeah, yeah. I was.”

 

Phil frowned. Something was definitely off. He stopped on the path, tightening his grip on Dan’s hand so he’d stop too.

 

“What’s wrong?” Phil asked, straight to the point. He watched as Dan’s lips parted, closing again, before his teeth clamped around it.

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Dan…”

 

“It’s really nothing. It’s stupid.” Dan frowned. (Phil wanted to kiss it away.)

 

“Your feelings aren’t stupid.”

 

Dan hummed in lieu of actually answering and started walking again. Just as Phil started to protest, Dan started to talk.

 

“I’m worried.” He started. “About us.”

 

“About us?” Phil’s heart practically stopped.

 

“You are coming with me, yeah? When I have to leave? You’re not going to regret it?”

 

“I won’t.”

 

“How can you be so sure?” Dan asked.

 

“I just am.”

 

Dan fell silent, pressing a kiss to Phil’s cheek, before he started walking again.

 

He’d dropped it. The conversation seemed out of place for an island filled with spirits, but it still lingered in Phil’s mind. Surely he wouldn’t regret leaving with Dan, right? He was miserable at the café and he definitely had dreamed about leaving the beach, but what if this was the wrong decision? Or, what if Dan was having second thoughts and trying to let him down easy?

 

He didn’t like the flurry of panic brewing in his head. He wanted to do anything to shut it up.

 

Looking up, he saw Dan lifting his camera to his eye. They’d stopped walking a while ago due to Dan’s curiosity about a little stream of water. Phil had watched him fondly, despite his raging thoughts, as he poked and prodded the dirt. Now it seemed that the stream was photograph worthy.

It always amazed Phil to watch Dan take pictures. He was quirky about it sometimes, taking the shot from a weird angle or slightly blurred. The ones for the magazines obviously weren’t like that, but Phil liked Dan’s personal photography better. He liked watching Dan work. The way his longer fingers fiddled with the buttons on the camera that Phil had no idea what they did, they way he’d hover the lens just in front of his eye – going as still at the pictures he was about to be taking – before the sound of the shutter followed.

He liked to watch Dan’s eyes flit across the LED screen, scanning over the pictures he had taken. His expressions gave away what Phil couldn’t see. The slightest crease of an eyebrow or lift of his lips was all Phil needed to see in order to tell whether Dan liked the picture or not.

 

He had been watching Dan mess around with the camera for some time now. Another silence had fallen between the two and just as Phil thought he could relax into it, Dan spoke.

 

  
“Phil.”

 

Dan had turned to him now, the frown settling deeper on his face than it had during their early conversation. He already knew he wasn’t going to like whatever Dan was about to say.

 

“I need to be honest with you.”

 

Phil swallowed. What else had he not been honest about?

 

“I have to leave tomorrow.”

 

“What?” Phil choked out. The conversation had turned so quickly.

 

“I – Look, it sounds worse than it actually is so don’t panic when I tell you, okay?”

 

Phil nodded, on the verge of panicking already, but he let Dan continue.

 

“My parents are here.”

 

Just like that the air went cold. Phil felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. Dan sighed, leaning back against the damp bark of a nearby tree.

 

“I saw them earlier today. That’s why I left so fast. I just need to go for a while… until they go away.”

 

“Did they see you?” Phil asked, his voice on the borderline of breaking. It wasn’t even him who should be upset. Dan should be upset. Why wasn’t he upset? Phil felt like his head was spinning with emotions.

 

_Fear._

_Protectiveness._

_Confusion._

_Everything all at once._

 

Dan was talking, but Phil could only hear the blood rushing in his ears. Dan was leaving and he’d just gotten back. When he finally glanced back up, Dan was closer. The palm of his hand was moving to cup Phil’s cheek and he willingly leaned in to the touch.

 

 

“I splurged on plane tickets.” Dan laughed sheepishly. “It was a moment of panic. I, um, I got you one too.” He hesitated at Phil’s blank expression, quickly stammering to ease what he thought was tension.

“I mean, I can – I’ll come back for you if you’re not ready to go.” Dan promised. “That’s kind of why I wanted you to come tonight.”

 

 

“Huh?” Phil’s eyes that had fallen shut were now flickering open in confusion.

 

“This kind of thing –“ Dan motioned around them. “ – is my life. I don’t stay in one place. It’s all spontaneous. We could be in a 5 star hotel one night and be sleeping on the floor of the woods the next. It’s not secure. I need you to see that, to experience it. Just for tonight. I need you to just embrace the spontaneity and if you hate it? You don’t have to come with me. We can make something work.”

 

“We can make something work.” Phil repeated slowly, his tone bordering a question. Dan was looking at him gaze earnest as he nodded.

 

 

“Yes, we can make something work.” Dan forced a smile onto his face. “But, I don’t know when that will be. I don’t know when I’ll come back.”

 

 

Phil felt what little hope he had left deflate in his chest. “You just got back.”

 

 

“I know,” Dan frowned, pulling Phil’s face forward and trailing kisses down to his lips. “But, I can’t stay here. My parents – I stole a lot of money, Phil.” Dan’s tone had fallen hushed despite no one being near them for miles. “If they see me, they’re not going to be the overjoyed parents you’d expect them to be. It just, well, it won’t be good.”

 

Phil swallowed, nodding his head slightly. He didn’t like the way the conversation had turned. Dan tried to smile reassuringly, letting their eyes connect until Phil looked away.

 

“Don’t make any decisions tonight. Tonight is for us. This island may be haunted but I didn’t drag you out here to get possessed. This could be our last night together for a while – or maybe it won’t be – I just want it to be special.

But tonight, let’s just go with the flow, okay? Throw caution to the wind, Phil. There’s a lot more to life than a diner and tonight I want you to just be with me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for being gone so long again. :(
> 
> thanks for reading and thanks for the 1K on tumblr! <3 if you want to give the fic a rb or just talk to me, hmu - hey-itskxt.tumblr.com


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